:.My LaSt DaNcE.: [-HeArTs Of LoVe-]

2010-06-06T16:53:00.001+08:00

my mission in life is not merely to survive,
but to thrive and to do so with
some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-06-06T16:45:00.001+08:00

gravity pulls and we fall from the clouds,
we prove to each other that we are both human now.
the time that we spent trying to make sense of it all,
all that i am asking for is that you need nothing more
and nothing comes in between our love
and you are all that i am asking for.

i am still astounded that my last and final semester will be starting tomorrow, it will be a life-changing event after that.
a few years will pass by pretty fast and i see myself being an independent woman,
i am so excited and scared all at the same time,
and i have promised myself to give my very best shot since it is the final lap.
i donte really know where am i going to continue my studies
but i will embrace everything,
i have learned how to deal with changes even though i must admit,
that i have never been really good with them.
and to top that off, papa is coming back soon, well,
i will get to be with him for three weeks
and i am very excited about that,
i totally cannot wait for our next date night together again.

mikhail is leaving to cambodia next week,
and he will probably be away for a while.
i cante believe what i am about to say, but i am going to miss that annoying brat.
my one week of holiday has been very jam-packed and fun filled,
i finally flew a kite and i had to admit, i seem to be good at it.
i started working again and i have the two cutest kids to take care of,
and the movie outing with my mama was great.
we had a little bonding time and i could just tell her anything.
so many things has changed with time, but i believe that it is all good.

pictures of the week.

there is a lot to have taken in over the years.
all the smiles, the laughs, the tears, and the frowns,
they have made me who i am today.
the struggles only made me stronger, and the despairs made me wiser.
if there is one thing i should keep with me,
it is that life has its purpose, and nothing was put on this planet to bring me down.

i gain strength, courage and confidence
by every experience in which i really stop to look fear in the face.
i am able to say to myself that, i have lived through this horror
and that i can take the next thing that comes along.
i must do the things i think i cannot do.

i want a perfect summer.
you know the kind with staying out late,
and staying up until the early morning's,
crying from laughing so hard, laid back days being worry free.
swimming, and a whole load of loud music.
but the most important thing is spending every night in his arms,
those little arguments where in the end
he pulls me into his arms and does not let go,
warm nights laying in the beach looking up at the stars together.
and looking into his eyes and knowing our love will last,
i want summer twenty-ten to be as perfect as last year.

when i am with you, i feel a sense of security,
like you are protecting me, no matter what happens.
when i am with you, i feel happy to know you,
because if i did not, i donte know how my life would be.
when i am with you, i have never felt so comfortable with anyone else
and as long as you are with me, then everything is fine.

laying there with your arms around me, i felt so comfortable and safe.
my heart was beating a mile a minute having you so close to me
and i still remember as you played with my hair,
i could not help but smile straight from my heart.
i could see how much you cared from the look in your eyes
and it made me never want to let you go,
to just stay wrapped in your arms forever, where nothing else matters but you and me.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-05-30T14:34:00.003+08:00

i can see myself waking up next to you, your face being the first thing i see everyday,
with that bed-head hair and that sleepy smile.
you love me for who i am and like the stars,
that hold the moon right there where they belong and I know that i am never alone.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-05-30T14:31:00.002+08:00

happy belated birthday my dearest papa. ♥

i wished that i could have been where you were on your special day,
but sadly, i cannot always have things to go my way.
i love you and i anticipate you to come home soon.
i believe the love i have for you began when i would sleep upon your chest.
and now, you are my number one and my most favourite.
and you were there to cater to my every need and every wish,
there is an invisible pedestal for papa's little princess.
i am always filled with absolute bliss just to sit up under you,
giving an occasional hug and kiss.
the depth of your love always show in my eyes.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-05-30T13:49:00.004+08:00

we were living out our dream,
you used to be my rider.
we was burning off the the blocks
and everybody know when we stepped in the spot.
now, you got me trapped up on this island,
with no way to get home.
i donte want to walk this earth if i got to do solo.

i could not contain myself but i have been extremely busy,
i was having my exams and now, come june.
the year is flying by just like that but i anticiapte every month
even though there are days that donte work for me,
i try to see things in a very positive light.
i got free tickets to pitbull thanks to m.teevee,
and his concert was amazing, the way he was dancing was pretty smooth.
i surely did enjoyed myself and it was probably one of the best nights in 2010.
i met with my dearest oots last week for deanna's belated suprise
and i am glad she loved the present,
aqilah and i fell in love with the dress the moment we saw it.
i miss each and every one of them very much,
and yes, even i got to see some of my schoolmates
from dubai because they came here for a schooltrip.

pictures of the week.

people are always telling me that change is a good thing,
but what they are really saying is that something
i did not want to happen, did anyways.
people who belong together, stay together despite major setbacks and disagreements.
they may deal in fault and blame temporarily, but ultimately they work things out.
love conquers all, in sickness and in health and that is why, if i could,
i want to be able to spend the rest of my life with you in my time over here.

sometimes there are things in my life that are not meant to stay.
sometimes change may not be what i want
and sometimes change is what i really need
and sometimes saying goodbye is the hardest thing i think i will ever have to do,
things are constanly changing around me, the people i meet, the places i have been
and sometimes change is too much to bear,
but most of the time change is the only thing that is saving my life.

i still believe everything happens for a reason,
it is just that i think some things are meant to be broken, imperfect, chaotic.
it is the universe's way of providing contrast, you know.
there have to be a few holes in the road because that is how life is.
because if everything was always smooth and perfect, i would get too used to that.
i have to have a bit of disorganization now and then,
otherwise i will never really enjoy when things do go right.

it took me a long time to realize this
and i think i am starting to,
but sometimes what i want is not always what i get,
but in the end what i get is so much better than what i actually wanted.
everytime, khalied had to say goodbye seemed unbearable.
he was the one i love, the one i would always love,
while he held me close,
i used to ran with my hands over his shoulders, feeling the strength in his arms.
but here and now, i know that i have no choice
but to love you from another continent, i want to do this.
i wished i could replay the moment you were here with me because at that moment,
it was ours.

i like to say that i am independent.
that i truly would not need anybody but just me to be able to survive in this world.
but then i think about how i spend my days,
and more importantly, who i spend them with,
and i realised that i am a bigger liar than i thought.
because there is no way that i could get through my days without you, khalood.
so, sure i can get through some things on my own, but life just is not one of them.

you are what that keeps me alive.
the thought of you, the way your eyes look into mine.
your smile and whether i die tomorrow or fifty years from now,
my destiny is the same, it is you, i want to be with you.
you are what that keeps me alive, and whether i die tomorrow or fifty years from now, my destiny is the same, it is you.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-05-11T14:12:00.001+08:00

i know that i am always going to keep smiling because thunderstorms bring flowers,
you say things a little too well that comes out a little too cute.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-05-11T14:01:00.002+08:00

i will be glad because i was blessed to get, to have you in my life.
when i look back on these days, i will look and see your face.
you were right there for me
and in my dreams, i will always see,
because you soar above the sky.
and in my heart there will always be a place for all my life.

my papers are less than a week away,
and i might be a nervous wreck this way because i am supposed to be studying.
things have been going good for me,
it always have, not everything is perfect
but i always look at the brighter side of things.
my part time job has been good,
the family of german socialite moved from the ladyhill to the treetops instead,
and it is something like a hotel apartment.
they have like room service everyday,
and mama's day was a good one for us even though it was just the three of us.
miki and me got brownies with roses delivered to her
and although it was nothing much,
i could tell that she was touched by the very small gesture.

some things donte matter anymore for me,
i guess things happen for a reason.
tears eventually face and one day,
everything will be exactly how it is supposed to be.
moving on from pain is a process and,
i always tell myself that i have to promise myself when i am really ready to let go,
i have learned who to trust and who not to trust.

pictures from the week.

i know the world can be a brutal place,
but it will never take my smile away,
because when the sky is darkest,
i know that i would still be able to see the stars and
when i fall the hardest, i just know how strong i am because when i am at my lowest, i would have nothing to lose.

and yet,
i found i could survive.
i was alert, i felt the pain,
the aching loss that radiated out from my chest,
sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head but it was manageable.
i could live through it.
it did not feel like the pain had weakened over time,
rather that i had grown strong enough to bear it

i must learn to love the fool in me.
the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances,
wins sometimes and loses sometimes,
lacks self-control, loves and hates,
hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.
i say i donte mind cause every day is another phase,
a million miles apart could mean so much more than i could ever say.

i have met somebody that i know i can never stop loving,
no matter how hard i even try.
i would not expect you to understand that,
or even believe it, but trust me,
there are some loves that donte go away and maybe that makes them crazy,
but i should be lucky enough to end up with somebody
who has a little of that insanity,
someone who cherishes me forever.
the more i get to know khalood, the more attractive he has become to me.
because everything beautiful i see on the inside of them,
and now, suddenly i am able to see on the outside of him too.

there is not another soul on this planet
who has ever made me half the person i am when i am with you,
because it is just there between you and me.
i am hoping to see you after my exams,
it does hurt always being so far away from you,
the distance shows how much love we have for each other
but please know that i am forever changed
because of who you are and what you have meant to me.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-05-05T20:04:00.003+08:00

http://www.formspring.me/tashakeira

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-05-03T10:46:00.000+08:00

i still remember the first day we met, the first time you told me you loved me,
the first time i knew, i was not going to ever live without you.
i know he is something special when no matter what kind of mood i am,
he can always manage to make me smile.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-05-03T10:00:00.001+08:00

i donte tell anyone about the way you hold my hand,
i donte tell anyone about the things that we have planned.
i wonte tell anybody how you turn my world around,
i wonte tell anyone how your voice is my favourite sound.
i donte need a parachute because baby, i have got you.

i still cannot believe that i am only left with one more semester in school,
and i know that i plan to pursue my degree but at which country,
that i have no idea yet,
these few years are going to be one the biggest events in my life.
i know and i can tell, i just have to embrace everything when it comes along.
the last few days of school was pretty upsetting,
the girls in my class got a little emotional
even though we were trying not to cry in public.
donte even talk about me, once i feel all emotional,
the waterworks starts, i have a soft spot for everything.
my teacher just had to give a very inspirational speech to all of us,
he always does that everytime we end a semester but ah, i treat him just like my papa
and he calls me his little one everytime he sees me.
he said,
the world will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently, if you let it.
you, me or nobody, is gonna hit as hard as life
but it is not about how hard you hit,
it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.

i still have voices and stories and plans and dreams and ideas, i have hope.
i will wake up tomorrow to a day that has never been known,
i want to live a life that has never been lived
and i know that i am are here for a reason.
i exist to love and be loved and life comes back.
things do change and storms do pass.
people of character do the right thing,
not because i think it will change the world,
but because i refused to be changed by the world.

pictures from the week.

i am never like that now,
i understand too quickly on how good things fly in
front of my eyes before i can reach out and grab them.
i know that i cante change or help time, so every now and then it will just run out.
there is not a place for everyone in the world,
not everything in life comes easy,
but when i work the hardest, that is when it is the best.

i am not always going to expect people to care,
and even when my friends stab me in the front,
donte think for one minute that they did not already aim for my back.
they missed for a reason.
everyone will be broken at some point their life
and more often than not, it is going to hurt badly
but you cante stop it and i cante change my fate.
some things are meant to be and all the pain
i go through will end up resulting in something huge.
i donte know what it is and when it happens it will hit me like a ton of bricks.

stuff like that is meant to happen
and overver time, certain things no longer have an affect on me
and that happens cause it is the way it’s supposed to be.
but i will learn all that later in life when little things like a sunrise or a spring rain start to matter
but it might catch me off guard and happen sooner.

i thought it mattered what i said, or where i said it,
then i realised the only thing that matters is
that you make me happier than i ever thought i could be,
and if you let me, i will spend the rest of my life
trying to make you feel the same way.
i just know that this world has become so materialistic and none of that matters.
my dad taught me my whole life that love is the only thing that matters in the end.
we are all going through rough times but things will get better.
i have found someone that shines through it all,
i have met a boy whose smile i use to speak,
and though coins might make the clocks tick, love makes the hearts beat.

against all odds,
whether i like it or not, i still love you with everything i have got
and i can tell by the way i still look at you
and the way i still run to you for everything
and the best part of all, i know he does not mind.
it is amazing how bad times separates me from the ones i love,
but it is also amazing how it brings me close
to the person who was there for me through it all,
you, khalood, has been there for me through it all.
if i can, i know that i want to spend the rest of my life, just loving you.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-04-26T22:42:00.003+08:00

i wish that i was there or you were here or we are together anywhere in this world.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-04-26T21:30:00.003+08:00

i wish i could you keep much longer,
i wish i could stop by and just lay by your side.
you are always on my mind while i am racing,
darkness in the night, i will find the light for you.
as long as i am alive, i would die for you.

i have been missing,
but you cante blame me.
i have been having too many things going on for me,
my dad has left singapore and no, it has not been easy for me,
i am deciding on where i plan to do my degree
and i am working partime for a family of german socialite.
i have been exhausted but i still feel good,
and i have been acing my assignments and presentations.
i have made some plans to go back to dubai during the summer,
and insyallah, khalood is coming over in december
so we can take a little trip to thailand.

at some point,
i go through that one moment where i think like oh my god,
i cante do this, but you know, i can.
no matter how close i am to the edge,
no matter how badly i feel like giving up,
or think it is best to do so rather than have to put up with the pain,
i wonte lose hope that things will get better.
i wonte give up, because there is someone out there
who will make me smile in a way no one else ever could.
i am keeping that glimmer of hope alive in my heart,
because someone is out there searching for my smile
and i just keep wiping my tears and keeping my head held high.

pictures from the week.

homesickness is just a state of mind for me.
i am always missing someone or someplace or something
and i am always trying to get back to some imaginary somewhere.
my life has been one long longing,
you are not the breath i breathe, you are not the sights i see,
just the most beautiful of them.
you are not my life, just the one i want to spend it with
and you are not my world, just the best thing in it.

i am not sure if i am happy or completely lost right now.
definitely a little lost, but we are all anyways.
for the first time in a while, i noticed that i have changed.
maybe for the best, maybe not but does it really matter.
when i have changed, i can never go back.
no, i am not the same girl from a few years back,
i have grown so much into a woman that one would hardly believe,
the tables have turned.

i get lost once in a while,
sometimes by choice,
sometimes due to forces beyond our control.
when i learn what it is that my soul needs to learn,
the path presents itself.
sometimes i see the way out but wander further and deeper despite myself,
the fear, the anger or the sadness preventing me from returning.
sometimes i prefer to be lost and wandering,
sometimes it is easier and sometimes i find my own way out
but regardless, always,
i am found and i donte blame myself for being emotional attached to you.

finding someone that i love and who loves me back is a wonderful, wonderful feeling
but finding a true soul mate is an even better feeling.
a soul mate is one who understands me like no other,
loves me like no other,
and will be there for me forever, no matter what.
they say that nothing lasts forever,
but i am a firm believer in the fact that for some,
love lives on even after you and i are gone.

and always you will be part of me
and i will forever feel your strength when i need it most.
you are away now but not forgotten,
i cante say this to your face but i know you hear.
i will see you again, you never really left.
i feel you walk beside me, and i just know i will see you again.
when i am lost, and when i am missing you like crazy,
i tell myself i am so blessed to have you in my life.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-04-10T01:31:00.000+08:00

to me,
true love is the sweetest thing in life.
that is why, we are all either in love or looking for love.
sometimes, you have to work for it especially when life gets in the way,
but i believe that true, deep love is always worth fighting for.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-04-10T01:01:00.002+08:00

i look up to the sky,
and know the world is mine.
i have known it all my life,
that i have made it.
i used to dream about the life i am living now,
i know that there is no doubt, i made it.

i am already twenty and they say with age, comes wisdom.
i should start looking like a woman in time to come,
and i had the best birthday this year
because my dearest boyfriend came to suprise me all the way from dubai
and the best part was that he was staying with me,
so for the past two weeks, i had him all to myself.
we went to many places but
time was never enough because i had college to go to at the same time,
i cante wait to get back to dubai once my exams are over
and i anticipate his next trip here and we might be taking a short trip to thailand.
papa is still here in singapore,
he was supposed to leave with khalood
but my dearest papa knows that i wonte be able to take the blow
and that is why he stayed back for me.
blessed, i know i am.
and yesterday, i had a good outing at a lounge with papa.
we had good fun and some good house music.

and just in case you are wondering why are my pictures so clear now,
my dearest khalood suprised me with a camera.

pictures.

sometimes,
i just have to see it for myself.
i have to make my own mistakes
and i have to learn my own lessons.
i have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug until i cante anymore.
and until i finally understand for myself,
that knowing is better than wondering,
that waking is better than sleeping,
and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

i donte really want to smile
and i donte want to fake being happy.
but at the same time i donte know exactly what is wrong either.
there is not a way to explain it to someone who does not already understand.
if i could want anything in the world it would be to be alone.
people have stopped being comforting and being alone never was
and at least when i am alone, nobody will constantly ask me what is wrong
and there is not anyone who wonte take i dont know for an answer.
i feel the way i do just because
i hope the feeling will pass soon and that i will be able to be yourself again,
but until then all i can do is wait for you to returned,
i have missed you badly since you left singapore khalood.

love is not a plan, i have to tell myself that.
it does not have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it.
love happens and it is so incredibly messy.
people around me cante comprehend why i do the things i do,
or why i fight so hard for something that seems to cause me so much pain,
because simply, they cante see.
they cante see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds me when i am in love.
what i have not learned is how hard love is and how much work it takes.

i have to remember that with love, i am not the only one involved.
i have unknowingly put my life,
my heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here.
it makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we should not cross.
because love is not about fencing myself in,
feeling safe, feeling sure about the future.
it is about scaring every nerve in my body, but pushing forward anyway.
because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it.
and it is a hell of a lot better, than being truly happy without someone to show me
that there is a world of a difference between feeling happy and feeling whole.
i have been very down since the day you left singapore
and i know that i need to go back to adjusting to a long distance relationship.
thank you for being my strengh, i love you deeply khalood.

above all else,
i will let your heart guide me, it whispers, so i need to listen carefully.
i hope i would never fear those mountains in the distance
and never settle for the path of least resistance.
living might mean taking chances, but they are worth taking
and loving might be a mistake, but it is worth making.

life may not seem fair at the moment,
and it might not make sense at all,
but happiness has its own way of taking its own sweet time
and that is what i choose to believe. s
so for now, i just need to be patient and always keep my head up.
someday, everything will come together
but until then, i need to live it up and do what makes me happy.
i need to pick myself up and deal with it when things happens.
i need to always remember that mistakes only makes me stronger,
everything happens for a reason,
the only regrets i have in life are the risks that i did not take,
and well-behaved women rarely make history.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-03-23T17:23:00.000+08:00

between now and then,
until i can see you again, i will always be loving you.
there are a million people in the world,
but it only comes down to one and that is you, my love.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-03-23T17:14:00.003+08:00

everybody needs inspiration,
everybody needs a song.
a beautiful melody when the night is so long
because there is no guarantee that this life is easy.
yeah, my world is falling apart
where there is no light to break up the dark
and that is when i look at you.

i have been extremely busy,
i have been having never-ending assignment
and mr fong just had to add another movie analysis yesterday,
but i love the oscar winning movie, precious.
i had never seen something that can move me to tears,
and yet, it has nothing to do with the usual dreamy, chick flick.
precious was acted out by the best supporting actress, monique
and the intensity, the drama felt as if it all was too real.
and sometimes, i might need a movie to know just how really lucky i am.
i dont have everything that i year for,
but i am happy and i have a family that loves me.
i am blessed, very blessed, alhamdulilah for that.

my dearest classmates had a mini birthday part for me and francine last week,
i was caught offguard because the party was supposed to be for francine
and out of nowhere, i got a cute dress and a yummy birthday card from the class.
and yes, i teared, i am so emotional really,
i hate suprises because of that.
my cousins came down on friday and
i cant believe that nette will be off to college at new zealand by end of this year.
i am going to miss that crazy woman,
and my uncle will be leaving to africa to watch the world cup.
i was sick during the weekend so i did not had that much fun
but it was definately good seeing the people that i miss.

pictures from the week.

i guess i am a walking proof that once i let go of the past,
something even better comes along.
i feel like all of the sudden, everything is falling into place.
i am aware that at any moment it can all come crashing down again
but i guess that is a risk i always have to take.
climbing so high, just to fall back down
and maybe it is not about the happy ending, maybe it is just about the story.

there have been lots of ups and downs,
but ultimately, at the end of the day, that is what that makes me who i am.
i know how to laugh,
and i know how to cry, and i know how to love back.
i know heartache, but the world keeps moving,
and i have to keep moving along with it,
and everything i have experienced will help me realize how beautiful life really is.

i believe everything happens for a reason.
nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck.
illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness
and even sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of my soul.
without these small tests, life would be a smoothly paved,
straight, flat road to nowhere, safe and comfortable, but dull an utterly pointless.

even when i am not sure where i am headed,
it always helps to know i am not going there alone.
no one has all the answers,
and sometimes the best thing to do is just apologize and let the past be the past.
and on other times,
i need to look to the future and know that even
when i think i have seen it all, life can still surprise me
and i can still surprise myself.

no relationship is perfect, ever.
there are always some ways i have to bend,
to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater.
the love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences
and that is the key.
i love you and i will do this for the rest of my life.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-03-14T21:53:00.000+08:00

i must admit i still donte understand why i lose my head holding your hand.
there is no explanation, no simple excuse for this intoxication i feel around you.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-03-14T21:44:00.003+08:00

where were you when everything was falling apart,
all my days were spent by the telephone that never rang
and all i needed was a call that never came.
lost and insecure, you found me.

i need to go to bed in a while,
and i need to skype and reply my emails after this.
the whole week has been really good so far, alhamdulilah.
school has been tiring but the company makes it pretty worthwhile
and yes, the assignments have been pilling up
but thank god, i am done with all my individual assignments.
i cante wait to get this over with,
and i honestly could use another holiday right now.

i just met the dearest ootoots a few hours ago,
it was actually nasriah's sister engangement ceromony
and it was held in the middle of orchard road.
her sister definately looked gorgeous and so did my girls.
it is always nice to catch up
because we always have like a million things to update about.
aqilah had to leave early,
and in a few hours, i had to leave because my dad is coming home in a few hours time.
yes, my dad is back in asia but he is now in malaysia
which i was supposed to go but i could not skip college.

pictures from this week.

how come i can never stay truly happy for a long time,
it was, i decided, a legitimate question.
how come humans, with all their ways to make life easier, were never content,
i am one of them and it was as if perfect happiness did not exist.
even now, as the warmth suffocated me, i was proving it to myself.
just when i wanted something the most, i received it
only to realize that i had never really wanted it in the first place.

when his eyes met mine,
i felt something click, like a key turning in a lock.
believe me, i am no romantic,
and while i have heard all about love at first sight,
i have never believed in it, and i still donte.
but even so,
there was something there, something unrecognizably real,
and i could not look away, even until today, even when we are miles apart,
i could never really get enough of you.

i really enjoy spending time with you,
even if we were just sitting around and talking about nothing.
there are a million things i love about you,
like your nose or the way you smile,
and definately the way you look me in the eye, too.
and i just get the greatest feeling when i make you laugh.

i feel as if my company makes you happy,
and that is what i wish for you,
i want you to always be happy
and when i see you laugh at my clumsy ways,
it just makes me want to spend the rest of my life
with you so i can see a smile on your face.

i believe in memories.
they look so pretty when i sleep and when i wake up,
there is not enough time and there is no song
that i could sing and there is no combination of words i could say,
but i will still tell you one thing, we are always better together.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-03-07T02:42:00.000+08:00

i believe in manicures,
i believe in overdressing.
i believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick, i believe in pink.
i believe that loving is the best calorie burner, i believe in kissing.
i believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls,
i believe that tomorrow is another day and i believe in miracles.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-03-07T02:37:00.003+08:00

some think it is complicated,
but it is straight up fun for me.
i dont need no explanation,
it is nothing more than what you see.
my heart still feels divided, halfway between wrong and right
i know i am playing with fire.

it has been a week,
and i am drowned with eight assignments.
i am not going to complain because this is what i have signed up for.
papa is finally home,
and i missed him more than anything else,
and as usual, he met khalied before he came to singapore.
khalied pass my dad a card and my advance birthday present,
i cried when i read his card because it was more than what i wanted to hear.
i honestly cante wait to see him soon,
i donte really know when that will be,
but i will embrace him whenever the time comes.

pictures from the week.

regret comes in all shapes and sizes.
some are small, like when i do a bad thing for a good reason.
some are bigger, like when i let down a friend.
sometimes, i get to escape the pangs of regret by making the right choice.
and sometimes,
i have little time for regret because i am looking forward to the future.
sometimes i have to fight to come to terms with the past
and sometimes i bury my regret by promising to change my ways.

no matter what circumstances life throws in my direction,
i have to believe that i can handle it.
it is really about my perception
and there is no such thing as a bad circumstance.
all those things i perceive as bad are actually real growing experience in life.
i have to see that everything that happens to me has come into my life for a reason,
and i am challenged in life because that is what life is all about.
life is about how i deal with those challenges.

i love a good song,
a good song that i can listen to endlessly.
and i thought about how many people have loved those songs
and how many people got through a lot of bad times because of those songs
and how many people enjoyed good times with those songs
and how much those songs really mean.

i think it would be great to have written one of those songs.
i bet if i wrote one of them, i would be very proud.
i hope the people who wrote those songs are happy.
i hope they feel it is enough.
i really do because they have made me happy
and i am only one person.

the struggles make me stronger and
the changes make me wise
and happiness has its way of taking its sweet time.
life is not always beautiful but i know i will be fine.
life will never always be beautiful,
but i promise myself that it is going to be a beautiful ride.

i was surprised that i seemed to understand
that i might never love someone as hard
as i had the first time i had fallen in love.
i was even more surprised to learn that i actually could,
and it was so much better than before.
you are my ticket out of here, and i was your dream come true.
you gave me everything i ever wanted,
and you are all that i hoped i had find in every single way,
and everything i could give is everything you could take,
you are a thousand miles away
and the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay,
i miss you so much khalood.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-02-28T14:11:00.000+08:00

there is no limit to how long i can care for someone and no limit on how much,
especially when they have been such a huge part of my life for such a long time.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-02-28T14:02:00.003+08:00

how you choose to express yourself,
it is all your own and i can tell
that it comes naturally and it takes my breath away.
you are the thunder and i am the lightning,
and i love the way you follow what you feel inside.
i love the way you know who you are.

the flea was really awesome,
and thank you for those who came down.
i made some extra money for myself and i managed to sell my preloved items
and yes, even the authentic chanel wallet,
but i am such a spendthrift, i could never really save money.
i ended up buying a couple of things once i had the money in my hand,
honestly, the resolution to save more money is totally not working at all for me.
i have to put my hands down and pass mummy my atm card,
it feels really ghastly to know that i just got my independance of my card this year.

school is not that bad after all,
i have got my assignments and yes, i should be working on them soon.
papa is coming home in like a few days time,
i am more than just excited, i am totally thrilled.
i miss him just as much as i miss khalood.
i honestly cante wait to tell him all my stories
and i am sure he wants to know how my driving has been.
i met up with aqilah and amelea a few days back,
and it always feels good to catch up with my girls.
we talked about a million things in a few hours,
and i hope we are always going to stay as best friends
no matter how old and wrinkly we all get.

pictures from the week.

if there is one thing i have learned,
it is to always wear a smile on my face.
some may think that it is fake but i donte really give a damn,
and i think that smiling is a god’s best gift for me.
even when my heart is breaking, i should smile.
and some may think that it is bad to hide your feelings,
but i think that pain should only be felt for a short amount of time.
happiness should out number it every day and every way.

sometimes,
i am filled with despair,
heart full of things dying to break free,
i used to be a girl who holds onto the things left unsaid,
the girl who hopes to one day let go of all her inhibitions,
the girl dying to break free from the crowd and escape to somewhere far, far away.
somewhere beautiful and i did,
if i had to do it all over again, i know i would.

i am not frightened,
i am not frightened of anything well only some things.
but the more i suffer, i know it will be the more i love.
danger will only increase my love and it will sharpen it, and forgive, it is vice.
i want to be the only angel you need,
i want to leave life even more beautiful than i entered it.
heaven will take you back and look at you and say,
only one thing can make a soul complete and that thing is love.

i used to be really afraid that i had already
met the man of my dreams at the supermarket or something,
and i was just too busy to notice.
but now, i am here and i see that that's not true because it is you.
insyallah, you are the one.
you are everything i never knew i always wanted.
i am not even sure what that means exactly,
but i think that it has something to do with the rest of my life.

you make me feel so comfortable in silence.
with other people, it is awkward,
i have to ramble on to fill the space in between us.
but with you,
your eyes speak the words i need to hear,
and your heart sings my favorite song.
although i can hear nothing, i feel everything i need.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-02-25T19:21:00.009+08:00

i will be setting up a shop at scape* youth park just beside cineleisure
from five to eleven pm on the 26 and 27 of february 2010.
do not miss the awesome sale,
i will be selling preloved items,
and even authentic items like chanel and christian dior.

who knows if my clothes, shoes and accessories might find an owner in you.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-02-22T16:47:00.002+08:00

it looks so much like you.
no matter what i am still loving you more than ever.
cheers barbie.

- email from my dearest papa.

papa is a thousand miles away from me,
but he always makes me smile.
i love being his babygirl,
and i am glad that he has been my support through everything.
he respects what i have to say,
and this relationship that i have with my papa is a special bond,
that one can never really understand.

i guess it is true,
a daddy's girl wants a man just like her father
and i am so thankful of khalood in some way,
because he reminds me so much of my papa in him.

there are so many girls, and so few princes,
and that is why, a girl always need a guy to prove her worth.
i have the most two favourite man in my life,
and i thank god above for putting them there.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-02-21T01:06:00.000+08:00

so i am going to kick off these heels and run into the night,
i donte know where i am running too
but i have got every intention of winding up next to you.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-02-21T00:20:00.003+08:00

i donte know what is down this road,
i am just walking, trying to see through the rain coming down.
even though i am not the only one who feels the way i do,
i am alone, on my own and i am starting off,
i will be strong, and i will be wrong, but life goes on.
i am just a girl trying to find a place in this world.

things have been really demanding and severe for me,
and i cante believe that my next semester is starting on monday
and to top that all off,
it just had to be a morning class on the first day of college.
my trip was really good, i love staying at marc residence,
it was facing the twin towers, and the whole view was breathtaking.
i didnt do that much shopping but i always kep buying famous amos cookies,
the smell is always irresistible for me and
i finish three hundred grams of cookies in a day.

i even got to met up with dearest nas and becca the day before i left,
we watched valentine's day and it was actually not that bad.
i feel like valentine is such a cliche day,
i mean you can feel like it is valentine's day everyday if you are in love.
we also had pastamania and the food was actually good.
i tried once with my papa and i thought it was realy lousy
because i ended up taking their pizza for first time,
but i tried pasta cabonara and it was more than just insatiable.

pictures.

when the truth is ugly,
sometimes, i try to keep it hidden,
because i know that if it is revealed, i wonder of the damage it will do.
so i try to conceal it within sturdy walls
or i might even place it behind closed doors,
or i obscure it with clever disguises but truth, no matter how ugly, always emerges.
and someone i care about always ends up getting hurt
and someone else will revel in my pain and that is the ugliest truth of all,
this goes for everybody and that i am pretty sure.

i have learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
i have learned that i should not compare myself to others
because i donte know how they actually feel or do things.
i have learned that the people i care most about in life are taken from me too soon,
and all the less important ones just never go away.

i hold on to things that were
and i still wonder what is to come.
but that night,
i think i knew it was time to let go of what had been,
and look ahead of what would be.
other days, new days, days to come.
i know that things had to change and
nothing that was worth it, i had to say goodbye.
the thing is, i donte have to hate myself for getting older,
i just had to forgive myself for growing up.

i love the feeling that i get when i take a deep breath
and suddenly everything feels like it is going to be okay.
when i am hopeless as can be and life is going nowhere,
there is those moments i have every now and
then where i just stop and i get this feeling that cante be described
but i just feel like everything is going to be okay,
like the world stopped spinning for a second and everything was clear.

my dearest habibi khalood,
i hope someday, you would know that i want to hold you for twenty minutes straight.
i donte ever want to pull away but
all i want to do is have you in my arms and hold on tight,
without an ounce of selfishness in it.
you may not know this but you have made me the person i am today.
you have taught me how it feels to be truly in love,
how missing someone feels and also what unrequited love feels like,
and for that i would like to thank you for being apart of my life.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-02-11T22:53:00.001+08:00

the both of us take different paths in life,
but no matter where we go and where we are,
we take a little of each other everywhere.
together forever, never apart, maybe in distance, but never in heart.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-02-11T21:37:00.004+08:00

do you know what is worth fighting for,
when it is not worth dying for.
does it take your breath away
and you feel yourself suffocating.
does the pain weigh out the pride,
and you look for a place to hide,
when your mind breaks the spirit of the soul.

i have been extremely busy this week,
and i am leaving singapore in two days time.
i am really excited, i would die to be out anytime anywhere,
i donte have that much love for this place like i used too.
you cannot blame me, the grass is definately greener on the other side.
my results were mailed in today and my mum was pretty elated about it,
and i got the part in a play, this week has been pretty alright for me.
i need to start packing in a while, and i need to skype.
i went shopping with ferra on saturday, she did most of the shopping.
she got herself a really pretty bebe top and a school bag from louis vuitton,
i think in that day itself, she spent more than a hundred bucks.

i have heard that home is where the heart is,
and my heart, for reasons unknown, is with you.
and i cante seem to get it back, i have realized maybe i am not getting over this,
i remembered how badly i wanted to stay here and in two years,
oh yes, time flies by just like that,
i have lost all love and reasons of me wanting to be here.
i feel sad because i was born here, even though i didnt grew up here,
i used to be so proud because i came from here and all of that disappeared.
you really cannot blame me and my parents has not blamed me,
i have choosed what i want and being here is something that i do not want.
i guess what papa said was true,
you never know what is out there until you go out and see it.

pictures from the week.

theoretically i really love you,
and even though it sounds moronically cliche and overused,
you give me butterflies. and just for kicks, lets add that all in theory,
of course you may be one of the most wonderful people i have ever met,
and hypothetically my heart beats ten times faster when i see you.
i miss you but you make up alot for the distance, what more can i ask for.

i know i love you,
it is a feeling that i cante hide.
it is the way i always miss you when you are not by my side.
it is the warmth i feel whenever i stop and think of you,
and the happiness i get from the sweet things you do.
i know i love you in a hundred different ways
and with all my heart, i will love you with all my days.

i stopped throwing coins into the fountain a long time ago
and i donte cross my fingers anymore or
make a wish when i blow out my birthday candles.
i guess it is because the normal side of me
finally realized that no matter what dumb things i do,
the things i wish for wonte really happen.
i still remember how i will always keep every teeth
that fall out and hope the tooth fairy comes by,
i really did that and i think i grew out all my babyish ways.

i am a lover and a fighter,
i get angry easily, but i am working on it.
i have fun, sleep, and think too much, but i get things done.
i am learning and enforcing my boundaries
and i know that it has been a while that i donte let many people in,
but once they are in, they are there forever.
i am strong and independent and i have been broken,
but never shattered because nothing is going to bring me down for too long.

i am worried about life and if it is arriving right on time.
i guess that if i donte jump, i will never know if i can fly.
most of life's failures did not know how close
they were to success before they gave up.
i need to stop the moment and let me correct it.
i wanna to live a life from a new perspective.
and who cares, divine intervention, i want to be praised from a new perspective.
but leaving now would be a good idea, so catch me up on getting out of here.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-02-04T21:38:00.001+08:00

so i will check the weather wherever you are
because i want to know if you can see the stars tonight,
it might be my only right.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-02-04T21:18:00.003+08:00

living might mean taking chances but they are worth taking.
loving might be a mistake but it is worth making,
donte let some hell bent heart leave you bitter.
when you come close to selling out, reconsider.
give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
i hope you dance.

i had a good week so far, and i cante wait for the next week itself.
i received my results after pestering my dearest teacher for it.
i got two a's and one b, i donte really know what i should say about it
but ethics in counselling and psychology was really tough.
i am leaving singapore next week, and this saturday is my meeting with ferra.
i had a good night with my dearest girls last night
since it was nasriah's birthday suprise.
i am glad that she loved it and yes, her shoes are just simply gorgeous.
and the day before was my trip to the mental hospital,
and no, it is not that bad or scary as it sound.

pictures from the week.

dreams are always crushing when they donte come true,
but it is the simple dreams that are often the most painful
because they seem so personal, so reasonable and so attainable.
some are always close enough to touch
but never quite close enough to hold and it is enough to break my heart,
i am tired of not doing things, this time, i am going to go the extra mile
and do every part that i can.

i stand outside catching the glint of the fading sun in my eyes,
thinking maybe the biting chill in the air will clear my mind, but it does not.
i watch the leaves scatter as a swift breeze comes by
and my fingers are cold and i think about the things
that i have held and the things that i have let go.
i shove them in my pockets and watch the sun sink lower over the palm trees.
i stare up to the sky watching the stars come out from hiding,
the moon is glowing brightly overhead already.
i watch the cars pass on the highway and that was home.
i thought moving to dubai was the biggest mistake that i could have made,
but i am glad everything happened and i want to go back there.
how could a stranger's place be home to me,
and now that i am home, i feel like a stranger.

it is hard to not cry when everything hits me at once.
i want to be happy so badly, but sometimes it just hits.
and it crashes, yes and my head makes circles.
and i am scared but i know that it is going to be alright,
i deserve the right to be scared.

i donte want to walk around with a meaningless life,
i donte want to seem half asleep,
even when i am busy doing things they think are important.
i donte want to chase the wrong things,
the way i get meaning to my life is to devote myself to loving others,
devote yourself to my community around me,
and devote myself to creating something that gives me purpose and meaning to live.

he has eyes that makes me melt.
he lends his coat for shelter because he is there for me when he should not be,
but he stays all the time, waits for me and then sees me through.
i can always find him sitting on my doorstep, waiting for the surprise.
it feels like he has been there for hours
and i can tell that he will be there for life.
there is no way i could describe him,
and all i can say is that he is just what i am hoping for.

we have been miles away, still it feels like yesterday.
a feeling this strong is worth the wait, after all that has been said and done.
now we are back to that place, and no more trying to say things.
let us put it all out on the table because
i would do anything if it keeps you here with me,
from now on, i am willing and able to take the distance between each other.
i know that loving you from afar is all that i have to do,
but to know that despite whatever we go through,
you still stand there with your heart on your sleeve
makes me want to fight for this even more.
i love you and you know i cante wait to see you soon khalood.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-01-31T15:59:00.003+08:00

the nights are forever and maybe i am wrong,
but it feels like i am so lost without you.
so i step towards the heat,
it is the way i can see and it makes me believe that it is you.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-01-31T15:12:00.002+08:00

if i can make it here,
i can make it anywhere, that is what they say.
seeing my face in lights
or my name on marquees found down on broadway.
concrete jungle where dreams are made of.
there is nothing you cante do, now you are in new york
these streets will make you feel brand new, big lights will inspire you.

i have been busy the whole week and the next week is going to get even eventful,
and my tickets are booked, i am leaving in two weeks time.
i am excited for that, i donte really fancy being here anymore.
i met up with becca to get shoes from new look
and the next day was with ferra because she wanted to shop and boy, did she shop.
she accompanied me to my school and the uk professors were really nice.
i hope the exchange programme comes up
and i am still studying even though i am on my holidays,
and my arabic is getting better, i love learning new languages.

my cousins came over last night
and we practiced our soulja boy dance.
i miss my girls, in singapore and in dubai.
rahma is still in canada, i wonder if she is going to new york anytime soon
and khalood had to remind me of ibiza.
one of our many places to go once we both saved the money.
insyallah, things will be good.

pictures from the week.

i want to bust the world wide open,
the way i always do when i am filled with youth.
i want to engage with lovers and people and fellow cops.
i want to be physical, and i also want to ask the big questions.
i want to taste the tastes and fix the problems.

i want to run headlong into chaos and bad guys and
darkness and friends and fun and laugh, laugh, laugh.
i want to be the best friend and
i want to be the greatest aunt and the most complicated daughter.
i want to be the mystery in the room, and i want to be known,
i still do and i want to only live in my very own shadow.

i have learned a lot in these many years of growing up.
i learned that things donte always turn out the way i planned,
or the way i think they should.
and i have learned that there are things that go wrong that donte always get fixed
or get put back together the way they were before.
i have learned that some broken things stay broken,
and i have learned that i can get through bad times and keep looking for better ones,
as long as i have people who loves me.

i just stopped,
captivated by the stars and
how there were amazing little fields of them scattered though the sky.
i still remember it was late september where i was at the beach after midnight,
all i did was to to talk to khalood and share my biggest hopes and dreams
i had never seen so many stars so i stood there for a while,
crying and talking to what i believe to be god,
of how thankful i am that he never stops holding me
and how sorry i am that i forget about that.

i make many mistakes so i will know the right decision when it really matters.
i know when to hold on and when to let go.
i want to love hard and often, and without reservation.
i open myself to possibilities.
i try to keep your heart open, my head high and my free spirit free.
i shall embrace my darkness along with my light.
i now have the courage to admit when i am wrong
and be awaken to the brilliance of ordinary moments.
i have seen goodness in the world
and i will always be grateful, wild and gloriously free.
i have just learned to be me.

beauty is only skin deep.
i think what is really important is finding a balance of mind, body and spirit.
somebody said to me not too long ago,
until i am twenty, i have the face that i am born with,
and after that i have the face you deserve,
and i really loved that, the idea that you wear who you are on your face.

i used to held him close to me with my eyes closed,
wondering if anything in my life had ever been this perfect,
and knowing at the same time that it had not.
i was in love, and the feeling was even more wonderful
than i ever imagined it could be.
a three word statement does not justify the importance that you have in my life.
instead of saying i love you,
i want you to know that no statement in english, or any other language,
could possibly capture the very essence of how much i truly treasure your existence.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-01-26T16:46:00.005+08:00

people say life is difficult but i disagree.
life is easy when you are with me but way more than difficult when you are not.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-01-26T16:40:00.003+08:00

maybe it is true,
that i cante live without you.
but there is so much time to figure the rest of my life.
i remember every look upon your face.
i think of you and everything is okay
and i am thinking two, is better than one.

i finally decided to go public again and i am sure that nobody really reads anymore.
i was supposed to make the pictures so much bigger but i love it small,
i have no idea why.
and yes, i am officially on my holidays
but i have a feeling that i am going to be busy the whole month.
my teacher called me just now and the first thing i did was to ask about my results.
he said i got an a, and i thought he was lying.
i called him a liar and he said no, you really got an a
and i am selected to go to school for a talk with professors coming from the uk.
that sounds fun and i hope i do well this semester too,
semester one was really good and i should not have any excuse to screw this up.
i just need those slips and get out of this place, insyallah, things will go well.

pictures from the weekend -

i know what was wrong, the miss whoever-i-am, i was chicken, i had no guts.
i was afraid to stick out my chin and say,
okay, life is a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other,
because that is the only chance anybody has got for real happiness.
i even called myself a free spirit, a wild thing, and yet,
i was terrified somebody is going to stick me in a cage.
well baby, sadly, i was already in that cage and i built it myself.
it is not bounded in singapore, dubai, or in the east by somali-land.
it is wherever i go because no matter where i run,
at the end of the day,
i just end up running into myself and i am glad that i have learned.

i always wanted to be in the movies.
when i was little, i thought for sure that one day, i could be a big big star.
or maybe just beautiful, beautiful and rich like the women on teevee.
yeah, i had a lot of dreams and i guess you could call me a real romantic
because i truly believed that one day, they would come true.
i even dreamed about it for hours, i remember everything vividly.
as the years went by, i learned to stop sharing this with people.
they said i was dreaming, but back then, i believed it wholeheartedly.
so whenever i was down,
i would just escape into my mind, to my other life, where i was someone else.
it made me happy to think that
all these people just did not know yet who i was going to be.

but one day, they would all see.
i heard that marilyn monroe was discovered in a soda shop
and i thought for sure it could be like that.
so i started going out real young and
i was always secretly looking for who was going to discover me.
was it this guy or maybe this one, i never knew.
but even if they could not take me all the way, like marilyn,
they would somehow believe in me just enough.
they would see me for what i could be and think i was beautiful,
like a diamond in the rough.
they would take me away to my new life and
my new world where everything would be different.

yeah,
i lived that way for a long long time in my head, dreaming like that.
it was nice and one day, it just stopped.
why did it had to stop, why did i make it stop.
i miss being an inspiration to myself, though it is highly imposible
because people are the ones that actually inspire other people.

and all of a sudden, i was a grown up-girl.
i did not t have to check in with nobody, not even my parents.
i could sleep in boots if i didd not feel like taking them off,
i could spend all my money on leggings and starbursts if i wanted.
i love starburst with a whole lot of passion by the way,
but i also had to figure out just how i was going to pay my phone bill
and trust me, telephone lines here has no sympathy for fashionable girls with pockets full of pink candy wrappers.

this is where i start to miss you more than i can bare.
i hate this distance in between us, i donte think it is fair.
i will go the distance and i will go the miles
because that is how much you mean to me.
i love you and i have loved you all along, and i miss you.
you have been far away for far too long and
i keep dreaming that you will be with me and that you will never go.
i anticipate every minute of the both of us being together again.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-01-24T18:07:00.001+08:00

you have been the only thing that is right all i have done
and i can barely look at you but every single time i do,
i know we will make it anywhere away from here.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-01-18T17:27:00.004+08:00

if god had a name, what would it be
and would you call it to his face,
if you were faced with him in all his glory,
what would you ask if you had just one question.
what if god was one of us, just a slob like one of us.
he is trying to make his way home back up to heaven all alone.

i am only left with one more paper and then i am officialy on my holidays,
the second paper was not that bad either.
i love writing essays, i donte know if it is my forte
but i always seem to do well in that area.
i am going to get my laptop upgraded tomorrow,
so the man will be coming over to get things done.
and i am a happy girl today because i finally found the same bacon in dubai,
i could not be more happier and i think ate too much
but i guess it is no a sin to eat to your heart's content.

i had a really good friday,
because i finally met the ootoots that i miss the most.
it was rebecca's suprise birthday,
we hide in a class and she even cried when she saw us.
that girl is the sweetest
and i am so happy that she loves the suprise and the present.
at night, was aunty umi's birthday gathering.
she wanted to treat the whole family to carousel but it was fully book
so we had to make do of another place,
and she got herself a sexy red louis vuitton bag for her birthday.

i donte wish for the easy stuff, i wish for big things.
things that are ambitious, and out of reach.
i wish because i need help and i am scared
and i know that i may be asking too much.
i still wish, though, because sometimes they come true.

i get at least one good wish a year,
over the candles on my birthday.
and sometimes, i throw in more, on eyelashes, fountains, lucky stars,
and every now and then, one of those wishes comes true.
so what then, is it is as good as i have hoped.
should i bask in the warm glow of my happiness
or, do i just notice that i have got a long list
of other wishes waiting to be wished.

for what it is worth,
it is never too late, or in my case too early,
to be whoever i want to be.
there is no time limit and i can start whenever i want,
i can even change or stay the same.
there are no rules to this thing.
i can make the best or the worst of it and i hope i make the best of it.
i hope i get to see things that stops me.
i hope i feel things that i never felt before.
i hope i meet people with a different point of view
and i hope i live a life that i am proud of and if i find that i am,
i hope that i will have the strength to start all over again.

beautiful things come out of horrible situations
and i know for a fact.
out of sadness,
i get a new found wisdom on how the world can look with a haze of gray clouds,
how people can be senseless,
how i can see the whole universe in a whole new way.
and that may be hard to handle, hard to cope, hard to accept,
but it is so damn beautiful if i really take the chance to realize.
and out of anger, i can feel my heart beat race,
and with every beat it is shaking my whole being
and not only the heavy steps i take.
it is when i, my whole self and some power is telling me that i am alive.

and that is amazing in every angle.
out of anything there is something in there that makes it incredible,
something that makes it shine.
whatever i feel is potent and it is such a blessing to be able to feel what i feel
and i know that i just have to think about it.

i have always followed my heart instead of my head.
i have always jumped,
always took that leap of faith into the unknown,
having no idea of what the outcome of my actions would be.
i always thought that i need to stop and think about it, about what i am about to do.
i need to think about whether it is right or it is wrong.
because when i follow your heart, i lose track of what is right and what is wrong,
and i am glad i did, until today, because it was the day that i met you khalood.

there is not a moment of my day that is not spent wondering where you are,
what you are doing, and how you are feeling.
even in the quiet of the night,
when everything is still and i am nearly asleep,
there is a part of me that is still wondering.

i cante believe that tomorrow marks a special day for us,
you stood by me when i was the most weakest
and words just cante tell you just how much you meant to me.
i love you khalood, and i will love always love you because you are different.
you touch me right at my heart and you are the most special.
if distance is what i have to overcome to be with you, i would fiind you.
you are a thousand miles away and i want to hug you.
millions and millions of years would still not give me half enough time to describe
that tiny instant of all eternity when you put your arms around me and i put my arms around you, and i am still amazed how you manage to sweep me off my feet.

my heart knows me more than i thought.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-01-13T17:34:00.005+08:00

you can see my heart beating,
you can see it through my chest,
i said that i am terrified but i am not leaving.
i know that i must pass this test
as my life flashes before my eyes.
i am wondering if i will ever see another sunrise.

i am totally wretched that i have left this space empty for too long,
i have been sooo busy and things have been a handful.
i finished my first paper today and i am glad that it went good,
thank you to all that studying and i guess when i love something,
i take it to another level, with so much passion and whole heartedly.
i donte really blame anybody for not reading anymore,
and i even had thoughts about shutting down this page.
my exams are officially going to end next week and i cante wait after that,
i will be helping out in an orphanage with the girls.
and even my dad flew out of singapore last week, the next time i am going to see him is in march
and hopefully, with khalood by his side.
i love having my dad around,
he is always so inspiring, i guess it is the electra complex taking place.

my new year was pretty good,
and this year i spent it with my ohana, family.
we did something a little different,
we went bowling at safra country club and there was this mini coutdown.
ferra and i was dancing like crazy and
my mum had this colour theme going on for each family,
and mine just had to be green.
we went to the beach the next afternoon,
and we could not get much done because it was raining.
i still had a ball of a time though.

every year pretty feels much the same for me,
i still do the same old things but i guess one thing that is different,
that i keep on learning from the mistakes that i make
and sometimes, i am too blind to see it.
i will miss oh-nine because it was one of the best years that i had to experience
but thus, i have my future in my hands
and i know that twenty ten will be no better than oh nine.

i have stayed up all night thinking about the decisions that have changed my life.
all the people i have met because i made one little suggestion.
it brought many close friendships, and finally someone to care about.
i have to admit,
that it is hard being in love with someone when nobody else understands.
if i am being honest, i donte think anyone actually wants to understand.
maybe because they think love does not exist, or because they think it is overrated.
i have given up trying to explain to other people because,
does it really matter if they understand or not.
i know love exists, i know it is not overrated
and i only need to hear your name to know that.

i buried my past down, where i am from, to live with you.
i know the morning light will come like it always does to tear us apart
but i donte want to think about that right now.
i just want to sit here and remember about how much time we spent at the beach
and your eyes in that picture we took.
it left me with scars that are there for good, i will always be missing you.

after all is said and done,
i still think you are amazing,
i still cherish every moment spent with you, every smile you brought to my face.
i will be forever thankful that someone like you was brought into my life,
even if you had to be taken away from me so soon.
you were my miracle, the love of my life, and the fairytale i got to live.

i have promised myself to be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind,
i have started looking at the sunny side of everything,
and make my own optimism come true.
i think only of the best, and expect only the best
i shall forget the mistakes of the past and
press on to the greater achievements of the future.
i only give so much time to the improvement of myself
that i have no time to criticize others,
what is the point of being envious, life is too short for that anyways.
i live on the faith that the whole world is on my side
so long as i am true to the best that is in me.

i will always look at the world, and the people inside of it with equality.
i will face each day as if it will be the last day i have alive.
i will do my best to face each day with a smile on my face
and i will never look further than tomorrow, and never look past yesterday.
i will never look at something with regret, but look at it as a lesson.

i wonte ever have to let go of the memories in the back of my head,
but i will have to let go of the people who were there during those times,
and when the time comes to do so, i will do so without regret.
i will acknowledge those few people who have inspired me,
and say goodbye to the people who have caused me pain.
i will welcome tomorrow with open arms, no matter how low i feel today.

i will be ready to let go of yesterday when tomorrow comes,
so when i look back upon today in the future,
i will be proud of what i did.
i will take small steps to change the world, to inspire, to help all I can.
i will never regret the steps i have taken to become who I am
and i will never hate what i have been given,
i will never deny who i am, and i will never lie to make someone happy.

i will hold myself together in an event of pain, or sadness.
i will be happy with whatever hands i get dealt,
and wonte take the day for granted,
and this is the promise to myself for twenty ten.

some things are bound to be, love has a way of making doubting hearts believe.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2010-01-13T15:19:00.001+08:00

this is a new year. a new beginning. and things will change.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-12-31T14:37:00.003+08:00

the sun is yet again melting the frost
and making winter completely impossible for us, for me anyways.
it is actually terrifyingly beautiful in the morning when i wake up early enough. everything is a light, and dusted in white.
the sun makes everything glisten and
makes everything seem so much happier and peaceful than it is.
and the night, the night is phenomenal.
the stars illuminating everything from afar,
although i am surrounded by tall buildings.
this world is absolutely beautiful, i just need to find it.

i hope for a blessed year ahead for me and for you.

with lots of love and heartfelt thoughts,
tashakeira. ♥

2009-12-31T14:29:00.004+08:00

if i wrote a note to god, i would speak what is in my soul.
i would ask for all the hate to be swept away, for love to overflow
if i wrote a note to god,
i would pour my heart out on each page and i would ask for war to end,
for peace to mend this world.
give us the strength to make it through,
and help us find love cause love is over due.
give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
because it seems like so much is goin wrong.

i am finally back from all my short trips for this month,
and i cante believe that it is already the end of semester two.
i am having my holidays and exams will be in two weeks time,
i donte know what is my iteniry for the whole month yet
but i am sure that i am going to make every moment count and worthwhile.
malaysia was really good, and nette is finally back from new zealand.
i havent seen my cousins in years now and they all have grown.
we did a whole lot of catching up and christmas was not that bad after all.
i came back to singapore diagnosed with cough
because it has been with me for two months now
and i even got gastric, i havent got that in years so i am on medication now
and i am supposed to get well within this five days
because i donte want no blood test.

school was really fun today,
and we all took pictures.
i cante believe that mr amir is leaving us soon
and he gave the most heartfelt speech that i ever heard.
i never ever cried for a teacher because i try not to get to attach to them
but my psychology teacher is one of the best and
he calls me his little one because i am really small.
he is just like my dad and i guess that is why i always look up to him,
because my dad is always away most of the time.

semester two.

christmas trip.

i still cante believe that a year has just passed me by
and from now on, i am going to do things differently.
life is too short to be hanging around and waiting for oppurtunities to come by,
i need to start chasing and living my dream.
i donte cherish the people around me often
and the last thing i want to do, is to die with regrets.
i am not getting any younger and it is time that i take charge of my life.
i want to do things that my ideal self would like to do.
my life is such an oracle and sometimes, i forget to see how much beauty it holds.
i am tired on dwelling on sadness,
everybody does that because it is so much easier to do.
i want to be happy and i am going to make myself happy.

i know that i think i think too much.
i worry over things that have yet to come,
wasting time lingering over the future so much
that i miss out on the joys of the present.
i need to stop, i need to stop being this over-analytic, paranoid little girl.
i need to start to be myself again because i am sick of missing out on the joys
of this life worrying over such nonsense like things that may not even ever happen.

there is inner beauty about a woman who believes in herself,
who knows she is capable of anything that she puts her mind to.
there is a beauty in the strength and determination
of a woman who follows her own path,
who is not thrown off by obstacles along the way.
there is a beauty about a woman whose confidence comes from experiences
and who knows she can fall, pick herself up and move on.
i am going to be just like that, it is time i put myself in the heels of a woman.

life takes my dreams and turn them upside down,
people talk about me when i am not around.
i know that people make promises they just cante keep,
and i have come to realize that talk is cheap.
too often, i donte realize what i have until its gone
and sometimes, it seems i hurt the ones i hold dearest to my hearts,
and i allow foolish things to tear my life apart.

i shall admit that i have a certain part of my life
where i truly wish i could just freeze time.
whether it was years ago, today, or still to come
and whether it was just a moment, a whole day, or a whole summer,
i have a time in my life when i wish everything would just stop.
the world would stop turning, and people would stop changing
and beecause to me, at that time, everything was perfect.

i know that you are not perfect, but you try so hard for me.
and i thank god that you were not perfect,
cause how boring would that be.
it is the little imperfections, and it is the sudden change in plans.
when you misreads the directions, and we are lost but holding hands.
and when you steal my heart again and does not even know it.
yeah, i live for little moments like that, i miss all that i had with you khalied.

see, you are a better person than i am,
and it made me a better person to be around you.
i donte know, maybe it was all just a dream
and maybe i woke up one lonely night in december and imagined it all.
but i swear, nothing has ever felt so real
and i thought that when i got on that plane, we would disappear forever.
and o know we could both go on with our lives and we would be fine
but i have seen what we could be together,
and i choose us and that is why i want you to stay,
and i am glad that you want me to stay too.

the one thing that i am scared most about right now is that
i will lose the one thing that makes my heart skip a beat every second of the day.
having youthere to hug, to hold and to kiss makes everything seem so perfect.
you are the one who makes me want to wake up in the morning,
makes me feel like going to school and to stay awake at night.
i smile and i laugh every second i am with you
and it feels like time just stops when you are there with me.
i cherish the time i spend with you now
because who knows if something would ever happen to break us apart.
all i really want is you to be with me for me,
and this is the first time i feel thati cante screw this up because if i do,
this actually feels real and
you are the one that understands me out of every guy out there
that i have ever met or known.
i am scared to get hurt again, too many tears lost, too much time wasted
and i hope that you are the boy that is going to be there for me, always.

i want to be your sunshine, i want to be your starlit night.
i want to be your hello, i want to be your everything but never your goodbye.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-12-20T03:29:00.000+08:00

she was lost in so many different ways.
out in the darkness, with no guide.
sometimes love can come and pass you by,
while you are busy making plans.
suddenly hit you and then you realize it is out of my hands.
i found heaven on earth, you were my last and my first.
and then, i hear this voice inside.

escapade to bali, the island of gods was really beautiful.
i am leaving again to malaysia and insyallah, to dubai next month
after i influenced my boyfriend and my dad to let me travel on my own.
i did not do much shopping because my dad wanted it to be a proper holiday
but i saw places that i have never seen in my whole life.
the beautiful volcano at kintamani
and the cliff to witness the sunset and the fire dance.
i wished i did not had to go back but i still have college
and i am almost done with all my assignments.
i am leaving in a few days time because jeannette is coming back from new zealand
and there is a huge christmas party at her place, i miss all my cousins.

bring in two-thousand and ten,
i usually get my resolutions done but i never get to accomplish them
so this year, i am just sticking to two of them
and i would probably put it on my headboard
so that i will be constantly reminded and that is,
to cherish every minute of my life and to travel more.
i am done being too materialistic, too ungrateful and too envious.
it is time i enjoy the simplest things in life and ah yes,
i would like to see new places.
papa might bring me back to thailand to see where i grew up next year
and he still cante believe that i am turning twenty.
yes, his only babygirl is turning older.
he has slowly gotten over the fact that i am in love and he is such a sweetherat,
he does whatever he could to support this relationship.

in some ways,
i will grow up and soon,
i will get married and have a beautiful family but for the most part,
i still have the same problems that i did when i was fifteen.
no matter how much i grow taller, grow older,
i am still forever stumbling, forever wondering, and forever young.
i donte like it when someone tells me something
about myself that i have not yet realized,
if i lack the courage to tell myself something revealing,
i am just not ready to hear it from someone else.

bali holiday.

i donte keep a journal for myself,
i keep them for other people, like a secret i donte want to tell,
but i want everyone to know,
and that is the little secret that everybody is hiding.
distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold.
it is for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone,
in exchange for a little time with the one they love.
it is for me knowing a good thing when i see it even if i donte see it nearly enough,
i know that this long distance relationship is beyond worth it.
i am the girl who dreamed,
who saw things how they were but never really let it get in my way of wishful thinking.
i lived life to the fullest,
with no intentions of ever turning back or regretting anything.

love is such a strong word.
when i was just a little kid,
i always thought love was just about hugs, kisses, and happiness.
but as i grow, i learned that it is not just about happiness,
it is also about learning to accept rejections, tears, and heartbreaks.

no matter what,
once in my life someone will hurt me.
that someone will take all that i am and rip it into pieces
and they wonte even watch where the pieces land.
but through the breakdown,
i have learned something about myself.
i have learned that i am strong,
and no matter how hard they try to destroy me,
that only i can conquer myself and that is how i roll.

i sometimes have right to look on the black side of life.
there arethose days,
the ones where i am happy but i know it wonte last
and then it crashes, i crash and fall.
and it is not because i looked on the black side of life,
it is just because it is like that.
and i know my own pessimistic outlook on life should have been a warning,
and i should have been prepared, but i wasnt.
i was not and i will never will be.
the cycle starts again and that is life for me.

i love you khalied.
i love you not because you are adorable,
because you are sweet or because you are more than my best friend.
i love you because you make me step outside myself
and look at who i really am.
you make me want to be a better person, just because of how you are with me.

no relationship is perfect, ever.
there are some ways that i have to bend,
to compromise, to give something in order to gain something greater.
but the love we have for each other is bigger than those small differences
and that is the key to it all.
it is like a big pie chart,
and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece.
love can make up for a lot and that is what i have been taught.

when i picked up the phone,
i realized that out of the billions of people on the planet,
you were the one i wanted to speak to the most.
it was like the deepest part of me took control and said what it felt,
unafraid of embarrassment or
rejection or any of that other stuff that normally leaves me paralyzed with fear.
i did not think, i just did it.
so much of the language of love was like that i devoured someone with my eyes,
i drank in the sight of you, i swallowed you a whole.
love was sustenance, broken down and beating through my bloodstream.

time has changed nothing at all, you are still the only one that feels like home.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-12-15T18:16:00.001+08:00

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-12-07T10:34:00.003+08:00

making my way downtown, walking fast
faces passed and i am home bound.
staring blankly ahead and just making my way,
making my way through the crowd.
and i need you, miss you and now i wonder,
if i could fall into the sky, do you think time would pass me by
because you know i would walk a thousand miles,
if i could just see you tonight.

i had a busy week and my papa is coming home in a few hours time.
i am going to pick him up after college at the airport with my family,
he has totally turned fat and red now since it is winter there.
and yes, i got my results for my first semester
and i scored excellent a's according to my teachers
and this is something that i can smile about.
i am still pestering my dad about my road trip alone
and i hope that he will start realizing that i am not nine anymore
but this is something that he can never do,
and that is why until today, he still calls me his little girl.
i donte blame him but this is where i credit some independance for myself.

saturday was really busy for me
since i had two birthday parties to attend.
the first one was with the ootoots since it was aqilah nineteen birthday
and the second one was with my college mates and nicole was turning twenty.
i had a blast at two parties and
i hope that aqilah loved the suprise that the ootoots did and
i hope that nicole love the dress and earrings that we got her from dorothy perkins.
and after the whole event, i met up with nasriah since i had no keys to the house.
we had a little heart to heart talk
and i realised just how much i love all my friends,
they make my life oh so much worthwhile.

aqilah's party.

nicole's party.

in real life,
i am not a photographer and i donte travel as much as i should,
and i take the same route to college nearly everyday.
once i began searching for lost shoes,
i started to see my world a little differently.
since i never knew when or where i might come across a lost shoe,
everyday errands became journeys in and of themselves,
and my once mundane commute,
an adventure that i got to take twice each and every day.
i learned that my same old college route
was not the same at all, it changed all the time.
i suppose i am searching for something,
something that will make me drop whatever it is
that i am doing whenever it comes along.
i know it may sound strange, but for me it reminds me of my own loneliness
of somehow being abandoned and becoming lost in plain sight.
whatever the reason may be, i know that each time i find something,
it is like discovering a mysterious secret that lots of people might see, but only i get to notice.

i have ever felt so confused and not sure whitch emotion to show
i feel happy yet sad and one thing might make you happy,
but then again, it just hurts.
i think it is called remembering.
it is not the end that matters, it is the places i go and the people i meet.
it is how many times i smiled and laughed
and how many times i fell in love and got hurt.
it is not seeing what happens after it ends but living long enough
to see who is still by my side when it ends.
it is the people and the memories i make that makes seing my life through worth it.
and definately, it is the ride that gets me there.

beauty is not seen through clothing, brushes, or hair products.
beauty is seen by those who choose not to see imperfections
and by those who i love and those who loves me.
everyone is beautiful in their own way
and i need to forget about the people who make my life miserable
and start living for those who makes me feel beautiful.

at last,
i can see life has been patiently waiting for me.
and I know there is no guarantees, but i am not alone.
there comes a time in my life when all i can see are the years passing by
and i have made up my mind that those days are gone.

well,
i guess i was kind of new to being around humans before.
but now, i have seen a lot more, got to know alot more people,
seen what they are capable of and
i guess i just realized how amazingly screwed up they all are.
i mean, really, really screwed up in a monumental fashion.
and they have no purpose that unites them so they just drift around blundering through life until they die,
which they know is coming yet every single one of them
is surprised when it happens to them.
they are incapable of thinking about what they want beyond the moment.
when it is something that really matters, they fight.
and i meant, they never quit so i guess i will keep fighting, too.

i wish someone would tell me something incredibly profound
and i wish my heart would beat in time with theirs and things that i want to say
and i would not get caught in my throat
like my hair gets caught in my fingers and ties itself into knots.
i wish the voice in my head did not say the things it does,
because of all the people i can trust in the world, i should not be one of them.

and that is why i listen to music louder than the sounds
of the late-night television programs like bad films starring bad actors
and in the middle of the cacophony of sounds the only thoughts i can hear are infinitely better and wise, wiser even than the stars.
and i bet they donte trust themselves either.
boys did not break my heart you know, i did.
i break it all the time.

i have got to say something,
because i donte think i have made it clear.
i am in love with you, powerfully and painfully in love.
the things you do, the way you think, the way you move.
i get excited every time i am about to see you
and you make me feel like i have never felt before in my life
and i just thought you might want to know that.

i cante really offer you much,
but i can offer you that empty spot on the carpet right next to me.
i can offer you late nights of you and me sitting together
and i can share with you my mind, my words,
my music and maybe i will move you just like you move me.
i will wait for this moment when our lips collide and almost stop the earth,
and i have written out all my vows again.
i still remember that you were standing across of me on new year's eve,
and we are only young adults but if love exists, i will fall.

that is what you and i do, we stay alive for each other.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-11-30T00:18:00.002+08:00

where are you now,
when i need you the most.
why donte you take my hand, i want to be close.
take my hand and walk with me,
when nothing is going right and i can see the light.
just show me what to be and i need you to set me free.

i wished i had more time on my hands,
my whole week have been hectic and demanding
that i hardly had any time to rest.
yes, my papers are finally over and i cante believe that it is semester two already.
i have school tomorrow but i am totally not ready.
i even have places to go before i go to school,
but i had a good week and that it all that matters.
i found out my mum's origin and i had a blast with ferra today.
we walked around and we talk about almsot everything under the sun.

i cante believe that my dad is coming back home in two weeks,
and the whole family will be flying with him.
i miss him so much and he showed me pictures of duqm.
the weather sounds amazing and the sea looks amazing.
i might stop over there this january if i have the extra stash
and if my dad's driver is willing to pick me up from muscat and drive me all the way there.
it is a six hours journey so i donte know if that will happen,
but i totally hope so.

eid was pretty amazing and the whole two days was spent with family.
niki slept over at my place on friday and we had our own little girly time
and after that, ferra and i went over to her place today
to play with her virtual pet from her playstation.
i know that i donte receive as many hits as before
ever since this page got clandestined and hush-hush
but this is still a personal page for me and i donte want just anybody to be reading it.
i am glad that i did the right thing, and i think it will be a while until i go public again.

eid.

i donte buy into sappy bullshit anymore.
i am done strapping a smile on my face and calling myself happy,
pretending the sun is always shining while my pulse skyrockets and
my eyes lose track of all the things i see and want to be.
if nothing else i have learned in my life, i only have myself.
i only see what i want and i can only be the best person i want to be.
i carry around in my head these pictures of what my life is supposed to look like,
painted by the brush of my intentions.
it is the great, deep secret of humanity that in the end,
my life wonte look the way i thought they would and as much as i wish to believe otherwise,
most of life is a reaction to circumstances.

the bottom line is, even if i see them coming,
i am not ready for the big moments.
nobody asks for their life to change, not really but it does.
the big moments are going to come and i cante help that it is what i do afterward that counts
and that is when i find out who i really am,
and i have to admit that i used to hate changes, but i accepted all of it
and now, i am looking for every possible change of places to stay with my family.

i felt sad because i realized that once i was broken in certain ways,
i can never be fixed,
and this is something that nobody ever tells me when i was young,
and it never fails to surprise me as i grow older
and i see people in my life break, one by one.
i am terrified that i cante recollect the faces, that once kept me warm.
time takes its toll on me,
and i used to be so obvious with my words but at least i was honest.

not everything in life revolves around meeting another person to be with.
yes, it is great to have someone adore me,
but it is more important to find the things in my self that makes me special and adorable.
before i can find who is actually right for me,
i have to become the person i am meant to be and i am.
i do not have to put on a facade because all this while i have leraned and i have grown,
and that is the bitter truth.

i cante see it now, but down the road the sun is shining.
in every cloud, i believe that there is a silver lining,
and i just have keep holding on.
and every heartache makes me stronger , but it wonte be much longer till the pain subsides.
i found love, and i found peace and the way i am meant to be.
i know right now that sometimes it is not the way i feel, but one day i will,
i will feel it everyday.

i could not believe when you looked at me,
it is like you knew that we would have everything we would need to see this through.
and i could not find a place to hide, so i just stared right back into your eyes.
i am still unsure how you have done this but here you are,
and you are on your way into my heart,
i miss you but i am trying to keep my chin up because
i will be flying this january back into your arms.

i know we will be sharing our dreams together
and as we walk down the road, we both will never think twice,
our memories will last forever.
and although we come from different worlds, somehow we are together.
and even though we are far apart, our memories are deep within our hearts.
these are the times to remember, our memories will last, forever more
and i have you in my heart all the time my dearest khalied.

the littlest things make me laugh.
it is not hard to please me, i am a free-spirit,
i am strong and i love to look at stars and i am a young woman,
and that is all i that i want to be.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-11-22T00:41:00.004+08:00

i will be, all that you want,
and get myself together.
because you keep me from falling apart.
all my life, i will be with you forever
to get through the day and make everything okay.
i thought i had everything, i didnt know what life could bring
but now i see, honestly,
you are the one thing that i got right,
the only one i let inside and now i can breather,
because you are here with me.

i know that i need to update more often,
but i have been so busy ever since school started
and i thought being on my study break would
actually cut me some slack, i was totally wrong.
i actually spend my whole week getting notes done
and memerizing a lot of psychological stuffs.
i just want to get my exams over and done with,
and i know that after that, i have many exciting things to look forward too
and the best part is that my papa is coming back home soon,
it is winter at where he is now,
and whenever that happens, he comes home with his whole face turning red.
and my dearest khalied received the shipment, and he loves the wallet.
i cante wait for january to come, i need to pack my bags and leave.

happy birthday my dearest and sweetest khalood,
not a day goes by when i do not think of you
and how empty my life would be if you were not here.
thinking of you with love on your birthday
and wishing you everything that brings you happiness today and always.
remember that your best years are still ahead of you
and i will be there for every up down and in between.
with each year, i love you more and more.
because you are the gift in my life, i give you my gift of love.
when we are together or when we're apart,
you are first in my thoughts and first in my heart.
may all your wanted wishes come true and i love you, everyday of my life.

i miss you when something really good happens,
because you are the one i want to share it with.
i miss you when something is troubling me
because you are the one who understands me so well.
i miss you when i laugh and cry because i know
that you are the one who makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear.
i miss you all the time,
but i miss you most when i lay awake at night
and think of all the wonderful times that we spent with each other,
for those were some of the best and most memorable times in my life.

the true test of love is not when we both are together,
it comes when you and i are apart and i realised that.
but despite the distance, love is still there and i cannot wish for anything better.
i believe i write my own stories and each time i think i know the end, i donte.
perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning,
of chances and in the peace that comes from knowing
that i just cante know it and have it all.
life is funny that way and once i let go of the wheel,
i might end up right where i belong.

i went out with my dearest girls from school on thursday.
they all wanted me to try the infamous popeye's chicken
and i have to say that i love the scones they have there.
we were all supposed to be studying
but since jolyn brought along her camera, we started taking pictures of studying.
we all exchanged notes for thirty minutes
and after that, it was back to taking pictures.
on friday was the radio interview again, and this time,
i was not that nervous anymore so that is a totally good thing.

webcamming with cousins at my place.

i am living for the moments that can make me smile without even trying,
that can change my mood in a flash,
that make me so hyper that i am bouncing off the walls,
that i never want to forget and i am living it for the memories.
so, i am still a little young and i fall in love too hard for my own good.
i donte listen to the people whose opinions i value most.
and i have hurt the people i love, and i make the same mistakes over and over.
i want all the privileges of being older, with all the advantages of being young.
i do things no one can explain, including myself and every minute of it, is exhausting and every minute of it is worth the while.

i often ask god to show up.
i pray prayers of rescue and perhaps god would ask me to be that rescue,
to move for things that matter.
god is not invisible when i come alive.
i might be simple but more and more but i believe god works in love,
speaks in love, and is revealed in our love.
i have seen that and honestly, tell me about forgiveness,
the possibility of freedom, tell me that i was made to dance in white dresses,
all these things are true.

the essence of life for me is not being perfect,
impressing people, or succeeding at everything.
the essence of life is simply making mistakes and learning from them,
surrounding myself with people who loves me when i am being myself,
and getting through failures so i can continue succeeding.

i am the girl who dreams,
the girl who saw things the way they were
but never really let it get in my way of wishful thinking.
i laughed, and i cried, and i try to live life to the fullest,
with no intentions of ever turning back or regretting anything.
i remember when i used to be the happiest, loudest, spunkiest person alive.
nothing could get me down for very long.
i smiled all the time and laughed non-stop.
i still see glimpses of that girl sometimes, but not much.

it is like all the bad stuff that i went through that i hated along the way,
the people who disappointed me,
the things that did not go the way i wanted
and now suddenly, i feel grateful to them,
because those are the things that led me here, to this.
i think part of the reason why i hold on to something so tight for so long is
because i fear something so great will never happen again
but then i let go and found out that something even greater was waiting for me.

my heart misses the rythm it used to beat in.
i saw you and now everything is off balance, it slows up and stops suddenly.
then, it beats to your voice.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-11-15T00:49:00.005+08:00

i remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night,
i am the only one who makes you laugh when you are about to cry,
and i know your favourite songs.
you tell me about your dreams and i think i know where you belong,
i know that it is with me.
i have been here all along so why cante you see
that you belong with me.

school has been great,
i scored perfect a's in both my assignments,
and the good news is that i am on my study break.
exams are in two weeks time though but since i hardly do anything much around here,
it means that i should be concentrating and i want to do well.
i need to do well for the january trip and to get my ass out of singapore.
i had a radio interview for school on friday with sasha
and i must say that it was pretty nervewriecking.
mr amir briefed us what to say with the other student from the school of psychology.
it was really fun and i still sound like a chipmunk on the radio.
everybody said i sound like a five year old,
i have a feeling that the high pitch voice is going to always stay with me.
sasha brought me to vivo after that, and we had lunch at figs and olive.
the food was pretty interesting, i might just bring my mum there
and she got a cake for the class that was worth eighty bucks.
i had fun the whole day but i was really tired though,
i have been out the whole week.

on tuesday,
was some shopping time with my cousin.
you would never believe this,
but i have an amazing club marc heels at such a good buy.
i love sales and i really should control my spending.
i need to start saving, i tell myself this all the time but it never really gets into my head.
and on thursday,
i met up with sharen who came back from scotland and my dearest aqilah.
we caught the latest movie, 2012.
i was rushing back home because we finished late and i had school the next day.
i need to meet them again and have more quality fun time.

my dearest khalied and i have been fine.
i am shipping his wallet this week and he has no idea about it.
and i am pretty proud to say,
that my mum is my new best friend.
i know, she has always been there for me
but we have never been to a stage where i can just share everything with her.
she is my superwoman, in some kind of way.
she has been encouraging me to hold on with khalood
even though the distance might get to us.
but alhamdulilah, things have been good
and i cante wait to go back and i cante wait for him to get here.

shopping.

movie.

school.

i donte want to go back to being a stranger to myself though ,
knowing and being stable in what i want is a pretty key thing to knowing who i am.
i see myself one way, but i donte know if that is who i am.
i am the girl who loves poetry but during the school year, i had absolutely no time to sit down and enjoy it,
i am the girl who loves music, i am the girl who finds her room to be a sanctuary.

i am the girl who is in love with the ocean and the sky and the ancient buildings of cities i have never been to,
i am the girl who is ravenous for love,
the girl who reads to escape and wishes to write and
have that piece of writing mean something to someone,
i am the girl who loves chocolate,
and i am the girl who wants to get dressed up in heels and drive around town blasting music until i forget why i was upset in the first place.
those things are all me, but at the same time,
there is so much more to me, and the way people see me.

as i get older,
there comes a time when i am not scared of monsters anymore.
i realise that monsters donte exist
but it is also when i become scared of other things, people themselves.
i have learned that not everyone wants to see me succeed.
i become aware of people's underlying intentions and selfish actions
and the monsters i used to check for under my bed at night
donte even compare to some of the things people do.

i told my friends all the great things i know about you and there were a lot.
i was up there for a while.
i didnt tell them everything, though.
i left out the complicated stuff, like how finding you turned me into someone else entirely.
that is not what they came for.
people want to hear that you were great, they want to know i miss you.
i feel like the only one who would understand this is you.
in a way, that makes sense, you were the only person that i could truly be myself with.
anyway, i left all that out and i kept it simple.
i told them i loved you and that is the biggest truth of all.

whenever i make a choice, especially one that i would be resisting,
it always affected everything else,
some in big way, like a tremor beneath my feet,
others in so tiny a shift i hardly noticed a change at all but it was happening alright.
but love was not about sacrifice, and it was not abut falling short of someone's expectations.
by definition, love made me better than good enough,
it redefined perfection to include my traits, instead of excluding them.

i would love to put a couch on an island in the middle of the freeway
and wave at everyone on their way to work.
i want to hug strangers in parking lots and
i want to hand out secret messages at traffic lights.
i want to make lists of all the things that make us smile and tick them off, one at a time.
the world will carry on without you and me when we are gone.
let it carry on without us, today.

as i stand here tonight and look up at the huge sky filled with all those stars, i think of you.
i think of all the times we were together
and i think of the times we looked up at the very same sky.
and then i realized how much i miss you.
i thought i could get through it and i thought i would be okay.
but how can i be, without you i stand alone in the huge world.

and even if i had barely any of me left, i would still give it all to you.
because you are the one that has been there all along.
a boyfriend, a best friend for what seems like forever,
someone who has never left my side even if it meant
looking past the apathy and ignorance my heart would show.
to the one that has always been there, i promise to you that i will return the favor.
i love you now and i will love you in all tomorrows.

the minute i heard my first love story,
i started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was.
lovers donte finally meet somewhere,
you and i are in each other all along.

and p.s - i have accomplished dancing in five inch heels.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-11-08T12:56:00.006+08:00

all i need is somebody that is down for me,
and he donte have to have money.
his love is just like honey
and it is so sweet tome.
he can have everything in this world
but he will scarifice it all for me.
and i made up my mind, i am in love this time and it feels so real.

school has been more than awesome,
and i am very happy to say that
i have been scoring perfect a's in my last two assignments.
i am on a roll now, and i should maintain this way
because i know that i have been working hard everyday
and i am glad that i have nice classmates and i guess, we all push each other.
my teachers are great and i know that it has been raining the last whole week,
but it didnt really dampen our spirits to study.
exams is going to be three weeks away and after that,
i am going to have some crazy fun in december and january away from singapore.

i finally found the perfect gift for khalied,
i got him a really nice gucci wallet
but i am glad that the whole family is sharing it with me.
it is a little pricey though and
i still have to keep in mind that i need to shipped it out.
i cante wait to see the look on his face and i am hoping that he loves it.
papa was in dubai two days ago,
and he is spending more time with my boyfriend than i am.
they were hanging out the whole day,
and khalood even came home with my dad and slept in his villa.
i am pretty suprised because
i thought that they were just going to do some hanging out
and i get calls from them like every hour, telling me where they were.
i love them both and i cante wait to see the both man that i love soon.

i met the cousins today at orchard,
and i feel really heartbroken because i spent money.
i should be saving for my trip but how can i even say no to shopping.
i am just addicted to pretty accessories,
i just donte know why i cante have enough of them.
i am going to regret this when the time comes.
i even met sophia for a little while and she looks gorgeous all the time.
and some random french guy wants to have a drink with me,
i got a little worried and i started walking really fast.
the evening came really fast, we all had dinner near my place
and we started dancing and going crazy.

i looked up at the stars,
and it seemed to me then that they were dancers, stately and graceful,
performing a dance almost infinite in its complexity.
i imagined that i could see the very faces of the stars,
pale as they were, and smiling gently,
as if they had spent so much time above the world,
watching the scrambling and the joy and the pain of the people below them,
that they could not help being amused every time another little human believed itself the center of its world,
as i do.

at last,
i can see life has been patiently waiting for me.
and i know there is no guarantees, but i am not alone.
there comes a time in everyone's life when all i can see are the years passing by.
and i have made up my mind that those days are gone.
the world will always be beautiful in one way or another
and the people i meet will always have a story to tell.
and i have been looking past my glorious backyard and look towards the horizon,
and i find that sleepy everyday magic.

this is how it works,
i am going to be young until i am not,
i love until i stopped loving, i try until the day that i cante anymore.
i peer inside myself, and i take the things i like and try to love the things i took
and then i take that love i made and stick it into someone else's heart,
pumping someone else's blood and walking arm in arm.
i hope it donte get harmed,
but even if it does, i will just do it all again,
and that is how life works for me, i know that i just have to keep on trying.

sometimes,
i just need to cry and be sad.
i need to break down and be torn apart.
i need to learn how to pick myself up and put myself back together.
sometimes,
the only way to be happy is to give into sadness first.
because without sadness, there is no happiness,
and i would have never learned to smile and love.

some things cante and should not be fixed, especially broken relationships.
it is over for a reason and deep down inside,
i probably know what that reason is.
a lot of the pain that i actually expereinced is actually fear.
fear of things being different and the fear of never finding love again.
the fear of being alone and
the fear of falling for someone again, and being hurt again.
i am afraid of the unknown, the unknown can be a scary thing,
and sometimes it will cause me more pain.
but other times,
the unknown will turn out to be the better than i could have ever imagined.
i have just got to give it a chance and i am glad i did.

the way you make me feel is like,
smelling fresh cut grass or being in the back of a convertable under the stars.
or returning home from a long trip
or just driving with no destination in the summer like what we used to do.
or when i hear my family laugh together
or the whooshing of a tunnel when you drive with the windows down.
it is like when i am outside on a hot summer day and i have a cold glass of water
or when i talk to an old friend after a month or two,
yet the two of us are still as close as ever.

it is like the feeling i get when i hear my favorite childhood song on the radio for the first time in years,
i just have to turn it up and feel so alive.
or laying in bed watching a rain storm and when the drainage system sucks,
knowing that i donte have to get up for hours
and get just lay in the warmth of my comforters for hours.
it is the way my stomache flip flops during kisses,
or how my body feels when i take off in an airplane for the first time.

or when i drive around in the front seat of car who belongs to the boy that i love,
and even though i should feel scared beyond control because you are driving so fast,
yet i feel so safe and alive.
yeah, that is the feeling when i have you by my side,
the way you make me feel, feels good to me.

for once in my life,
i would just love someone to sit with me in the dead of night,
look at the stars and tell me that you love me.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-11-05T22:36:00.006+08:00

i cante believe that my papa is spending more time with my khalood than i am.
he is flying to dubai right this instance,
so the two favourite man in my life will be hanging out for two days straight.
i have been doing well in school,
and my tickets to fly out is confirmed.

updates soon.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-11-01T02:31:00.003+08:00

i got my whole life to change the world
and climb the ladders.
looking at you just looking at me,
is the only thing that matters.
come a little closer, we can talk without the worlds.
lets just here and be lazy,
all i want to do is to love you.

i have been extremely busy but i love the fact that i have something to do now.
school has been alright and
i almost done with the second assigment before exams starts.
i badly want to score well because i need to prove this to myself.
my friends are a nice bunch and jolyn came up with the set meal names for our class.
i am called the chocolate sundae since i am a big fan of chocolates,
i might even be their biggest fan, i could breathe and live in chocolates for everyday of my life.
the teachers are really good too,
i cante believe that a year is going to pass by really fast
but i will cherish every moment of my life.
i realised how precious it is and i want to look back at times, smiling.

i went for halloween last night with my girls and my cousin.
my mum was the one that helped me dress up, i was a cat this year.
she did my make up, my whiskers and my little cat nose.
even though it was raining last night,
we still had a ball of time going from house to house to collect candy.
the most original costume of the night goes to guy who was a table,
i have never seen anything like that.
becca and nas came over to do their makeup,
i have to say that everybody looked really good yesterday.
we met aqilah after that and we all went for a drink to catch up for a little while,
i met my mum with my aunties to have dinner
and after that the girls came over to change
and we hang out until one in the morning at my place.
this reminds me of how many photos i have to upload on facebook,
but i just cante seem to get my ass to do it.

i miss my dearest khalood
and my next flight to dubai is confirmed
and his next flight to singapore is almost confirmed.
i hope things goes as plan.
i know i miss him like crazy but we talk for hours each day
and we see each other all the time over webcam
and i have the most supporting parents from both sides in this realtionship.
i miss my papa too,
but i realised that my dad is spending more time with my boyfriend.
i guess it is a good thing when i come to think about it.
i miss dubai with all my heart, i cante wait to go back there again.
rahma dropped me a message that she got lost in abu dhabi but beyonce was amazing.
i could have been there with her and john and i was just catching up.
he is in ireland now and i hope he comes to dubai soon
because i miss hanging out with everybody and going crazy like the old times.

school.

halloween.

sometimes,
there are things in my life that are not meant to stay.
sometimes, change may not be what i want
and sometimes, change is exactly what i need.
and sometimes, saying goodbye is the hardest thing i think i will ever have to do,
but sometimes, saying hello again is the thing that breaks me down
and makes me more vulnerable than i ever thought possible.
sometimes, change is too much to bear
but most of the time, change is the only thing that is saving my life.

i thought about life,
and how i feel lonely,
sometimes to the point of tears,
but i donte let those tears come because i am not supposed to cry.
or how i feel a surge of love for a partnerbut i donte say anything
because i am frozen with fear of what those words might do.

there are people that i meet that i can never stop loving,
no matter how hard i even try.
i would not expect anybody to understand that,
or even believe it, but trust me, there are some loves that donte go away.
and maybe that makes me crazy,
but i should be lucky enough to end up with somebody
who has a little of that insanity.
someone who never lets go
and someone who cherishes me forever, that is what i want.

it is when i am standing six feet away from you
and not being able to find the words to
tell you how much i love you and how much i miss you
that i just want to scream to the whole room that i am still in love with you.
it is when i am sitting alone with the phone in my hand,
dialing your number and just hanging up that
i would trade a thousand tomorrows for just one yesterday.

it is when i am really sad about something and need someone to talk to that
i realize you are the only one who knew me at all.
it is when i cry myself to sleep at night,
and it hits me how much i would give to hold you at that very moment.
it is when i think about you that
i realize no one else in this world is meant for me.

there comes a point where i miss you so much that
i can hear you voice echo in my head.
and i can hear the names that they used to call me,
the words they used to tell me.
i memorized your laugh, your smile, and your silly ways.
i can also feel your arms around me and
i donte want to let go even though i know it is just an illusion.
everytime my phone rings, i smile because it is you that is calling.
everytime i hear your name, my heart beats faster and sometimes,
i cante even breathe.

i know that looking back on the tears would make me laugh,
but i would never knew that
looking back on the laughs would also make me cry.
all i want is to go back in time,
i was so used to hiding my feelings that my thoughts become invisible.
it is still there, but no one knows like a love letter i did not show.

the stars lean down to kiss me, and i lie awake because i miss you.
pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere because i will doze off safe and soundly,
but i will miss your arms around me.
i would send a postcard to you my love because i wish you were here.
sometimes, it takes hundreds of miles and hours of quiet bus rides
to make me remember how much i love you.
i cante sleep and i miss you and the city.
i have not been breathing the same,
it is never easy, regardless of the season.

memory is a way of holding on to things i love,
the things that makes me who i am, the people that i never want to lose.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-10-25T01:51:00.008+08:00

it is not so easy loving me,
it gets so complicated and all the things you have to be.
everything is changing but you are the truth,
i am amazed by all your patience and everything i put you through
and when i am about to fall.
somehow you are always waiting, your open arms to catch me
and you are going to save me from myself.

it is late,
and i am tired and i know i need to slow down.
i need to take it easy for my own good.
i am a nervous wreck and i think it shows.
and if it does not, then i am good at hiding it.
just catch my grip, i want to catch my breathe, and live for now.

it has been a week since the commence of school
and that is why i have not been writing much.
i have to say that school is actually not that bad like how i expected it would be.
i cried on the first day of school though
but i tend to get a little emotional sometimes.
i have really amazing teachers and awesome classmates.
i even have a friend called natasha too
but i am called tasha and the class calls her shasha.
i am already given assignments and that is why i am still awake.
i have an essay to do with a presentation to finish.
i am going to work doubly hard
and i booked a suprised holiday this december and january.
i am not going to diclose where i am going to go,
but i know that it will be really fun.

i went to get passport done today since it was expiring soon
and after that, i had good japanese food with my mum and brother.
my appetite has been increasing,
i finished a huge bowl of rice and for dinner, i had chicken and indian food.
i am starting to look really fat in pictures now too.
i finally stepped in the new mall, ion.
i must say that it is pretty amazing, it reminds me of the malls of dubai.
i bought two shoes for school and i am totally broke,
i need to get a part time job, i need to feel independant.

i need to accept the fact that life is not a fairy tale,
things are not always happily ever after.
i mean, i got everything i need right here with me.
i got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper.
i mean, i love waking up in the morning not knowing what is going to happen,
or who i am going to meet, where i am gonna wind up.
i figure life is a gift and i donte intend on wasting it.
i donte know what hand i am going to deal with next.
i learn to take life as it comes to me, to make each day count.

i need to set my standards high and never settlefor less.
i am going to believe in myself no matter what,
and i should not worry if i stray because the most important thing is that
i have learned along the way.
i am going to take all that i have become to be all that i can be.
i need to soar high above the clouds,and let my dreams be set free.

i am going to fly with every dream that i chase.
i know that i will cry, but i know that it is alright and okay.
sometimes life is not fair, but if i hang in there,
i am going to see that sometimes bad is good.
i just have to believe things will work out like they should.
life has no gurantees, but that is the only risk that i have to take.
i know that life is a risk itself.

i always carry something with me.
of course, it is nice, if i travel with someone who can help lighten the load.
but usually, it is easier to just drop what i have been carrying,
so i can get home that much sooner.
assuming, of course,
there will be someone there to greet me when i arrive.
why do i always clutch at this baggage, even when i am desperate to move on
because i know that there is a chance that imight just let go too soon.
that to me is life and its trails thatit throws at me.

maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy.
and maybe being grateful means recognizing what i have for what it is
and that is appreciating small victories,
admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human.
maybe i am just thankful for the familiar things that i know,
and maybe i will be thankful for all the things i will never know.
at the end of the day, the fact that i have the courage to still be standing is a reason enough to celebrate.

sometimes,
it seems like everything builds me up.
everything becomes so wonderful and i get used to it being great.
sometimes, i forget how fragile everything wonderful is until it is not anymore,
until i or someone else, or even fate shatters it.
you gave me this strange feeling that i have never felt before.
almost like i was beautiful inside and out,
like i could do anything and still shine in your eyes.
and that to me, felt a lot like love.

this feeling is taking control over me
and it is not at all blissful but only when i am with you.
only when i am in your arms, it is worth it.
when i think of how you make me feel, it is worth it.
even at my lowest low,
when i think about how nothing is worth this trouble, i remember you.
do you know what I want more then anything in the world right now.
i just want to talk to you, to be with you, this very instant.
i want to sit across from you and look into your eyes
and see for myself exactly how they change color in the light.
i want to hold your hand in the palm of mine,
and trace every line with my fingertips.

life is not about waiting for the storm to pass,
it is about learning to dance in the rain.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-10-19T10:53:00.001+08:00

i believe in you and nothing less.
i believe in you and i cante help myself.
you are all the hope and the reason that i need.
you are the miracle, that dries the tears, and heals a wounded a heart.
and it is so clear to see your hand in everything.
you are there for me, here to see me through.

i finally got something done to my hair,
i got it cut five inches shorter and i thought that it was a little tad too much
but the lady in the saloon sure knows what she is doing.
i now have my hair curly, big and something like a mini afro.
i thought it might make me looked a little crazy but fact is, i love it.
i done with having my hair long and straight, it looks totally boring and dull.
i need some colour in my life and i got my hair done to start with.

i have school tomorrow,
but i will be going shopping before i go to school.
i know, i should be so much more nervous of the teaching system and the teachers
but sadly, i donte even look forward to study here
but i am still going to make the best out of it,
and i am leaving in a year's time so
this will be another joyous experience that i wonte forget.

my whole family and i had my mum's birthday lunch
and my brother and i decided to get her a new phone
since she has been complaining about it.
we both decided to get her the nokia-e63
and after lunch, i had to meet the classmates for the deepavali outing.
it so nice to see them again after three years,
and they told me about how much i changed and everything.
ranjev is going to be in my school too and the boy now has a girlfriend.
we are all growing up and i am glad that we are still in touch.
i am going to just put a couple of pictures, the rest will be on facebook.

i guess when it comes down to it,
being grown up is not half as fun as growing up.
these are the best days of my life and
the only thing that matters is just following my heart
and eventually i will finally get it right without even trying too hard.
i am not the silly romantic you think,
i donte want the heavens or the shooting stars.
i donte want gemstones or gold, i have those things already.
all i really need is a steady hand and a kind soul.
i want to fall asleep, and wake up knowing that my heart is safe.
i want to love, and be loved everyday of my life.

because that what happens when i try to run from the past,
it does not just catch up; it overtakes, blotting out the future,
the landscape, the very sky,
until there is no path left except that which leads through it,
the only one that can only get me home.

there are millions of people in this world, but in the end it all comes down to one.
i still panic sometimes,
forget to breathe,
but i know that there is something beautiful in my imperfections,
the beauty that you held up for me to see
and the strength that i will never be able to see.

this is how it works,
i am young until i am not, i love until i donte,
i try until i cante, i laugh until i cry,
i cry until i laugh and everyone must breathe until their dying breath.
no, this is how it works.
i peer inside myself, i take the things i like and try to love the things i took
and then i take the love that i made and stick it into someone else's heart,
pumping someone's blood and walking arm in arm.
i hope it donte get harmed, but even if it does, i will just do it again.

i hear about how i will never love again, how boys have tore my heart in two.
but, i hear even less about how, if that boy broke my heart,
someone else is going to come and help me put the pieces,
even my friends and family could not get it back together.
that person will take my hand in theirs and it will be a the perfect fit,
play with my hair, maybe even a kiss on the forehead now and again.
i always thought to myself that first boy was not right for me then my true love is still out there, possibly just as lost as me.
i have totally forgotten about the first boy,
he was just a lesson on how much i should appreciate the real man when he arrived,
and i did, i embraced him with all my heart and
there is nobody else i rather be with except khalied.

i have been through so much with you,
more than any other guy and i still want you
as much as i did the first time i laid eyes on you.
everytime i see you, it is like meeting you for the mist time all over again.
it is the butterflies in the stomach, the not knowing what to say,
but out of all things you have taught me, there is still one thing i donte know.

i donte know how to fall out of love with you.
i donte know how to let go and as i stand there looking at you,
i wonder if there will ever be a day when i get over your smile,
when will I iet go of the hugs you gave me that i continued to feel.
a day when i forget the words you said to me,
forget what you meant to me or forgot how much i love you.
but whatever that is going to happen to us,
i know i can never get over, let go or forget you.
when i care about something as much as i care for you,
being apart is the hardest thing to get used to.

i thought i would handle it just fine and
that i would be happy just to keep you on my mind.
but it is not always that easy.
sometimes, one thing that would please me the most is simply seeing you.
i knew that i would miss you, i just did not know i would miss you as much as i do.
i want to share my tears with you, i want to share my love with you.
i want to share my happiness with you.
i want to share my strength with you, my smiles, my frowns, my joy, my loss,
my good days, my bad days, the rain, the sunshine, hot cocoa, and the snowflakes.
i want to share my life with you.

i am the center of my universe, and i can make anything happen.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-10-16T11:54:00.006+08:00

butterfly and early summers,
it is playing on repeat, just like when we would meet.
because i was born to tell you i love you
and i am torn to do what i have to do to make you mine.
stay with me tonight.

i have been totally busy this whole week
and since school is starting next week,
i donte think i will be updating as reguarly as i should.
anyways, i totally had an awesome day yesterday.
it was my dearest isaac's birthday and he finally turned twelve yesterday.
aqilah picked me up and we all headed off to serene centre.
aqilah brought us to this ice cream place called island creamery
and this is the first time that
i actually tasted local ice cream and the ambience was really good.
we took a couple of pictures and caught up.

in the evening,
i went to the mall and met nasriah there.
we wanted to watched fame but there was no slots showing at seven
so we ended up watching imagined that.
the plot line was really good and i was laughing throughout the whole movie
and i realised that i might be maturing now but i never really lost that kid in me.
nasriah gave me chocolate cookies and
we had indian food before we went to the movies.
i love my girls and i am glad that they are a part of my life.

i know that some people are going to like me
and some people are just going to hate me
because they totally have nothing better to do.
i choose not to disgress because it is totally not worth my time.
if i was to write that my life was perfect and that everybody loves me
then i am just giving you the biggest bullshit.
i am not going to change myself to please anybody because i really donte give a damn,
this is who i am, i not that shy anymore and i speak what i need to say.
i donte ignore you, i just donte want to give a shit because i am not bothered.
i am not a bitch, it is just that i am totally honest.
i am never insecure, i just donte trust people easily anymore.

i need to stop and make sure that everything
i am doing right now is really what makes me happy.
i cante just live for some goal in the future
and have that be everything and have that be it.
because i know that i used to do that before.
i got on that road and there are all these signs saying, this way and that way.
i got there and i get exactly what i wanted, like some people do,
except all the things that were wrong, are still wrong.
then what will happen after that,
i donte want it to be too late to turn back the time.

i will never know the biggest day of my life is the biggest day,
not until it is happening.
i donte recognize the biggest day of my life,
not until i am right in the middle of it.
the day i finally commit to something or someone
or the day that i get my heart broken.
the day i meet my soul mate or the day i realize
there is not enough time because i want live forever.
those are the biggest days and the most perfect days.
when everything breaks,
you are the anchor that holds me and that is why we wil always make it.
how i know your face, all the ways you move,
i can read and after all, you are my favourite book.
all the things you say, the way you shift your eyes,
i never knew there was someone to make me come and feel alive.

i just have this image of the life i want and i am not going to let that fade.
my english teacher in college said that that is pure magic,
having a dream and something to strive for, something to be.
to know what i want and to work for it,
that is good stuff right there and that is magical.
i choose to believe that is actually beyond magical.

you are always here with me, at least in my heart,
and it is impossible for me to remember a time when you were not a part of me.
i do not know who i would have become had you never come to me that day,
but i have no doubt and i would have lived and died with regrets.
thankfully today,
that is something that i will never have to face and i will never have to know.

i an now so full of hope, and slightly intoxicated.
yet, i am searching for something more and i long for so much more.
a year and a thousand kisses,
and now a thousand one, a thousand two kisses.
there are so many other places you and i could have ended up
but i have to believe none of them would have felt this right.
all i want is you is not entirely true, i want so much more,
and with you i think i can get it,
i want us to last through years and i want you to be my future.

sometimes,
i donte want to hear that tomorrow is another day,
but i have always promised myself
that i will see the sun again when the right time draws near.
that night we talked,
we talked about life, and about our times together.
maybe we are not the same two kids we once were, but some things never have change.
some things last, and even though i donte know what is going to happen to us
or where we are going to go, i just knew that i could not let you out of my life.

i will miss the years that are going to be erased,
i miss the way the sunshine would light up your face,
i miss all the little things and
i would have never thought they would mean everything to me.
and even though i know how very far apart we are,
it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star, and when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby,
it helps to think that the both of us is sleeping underneath the same big sky.
somewhere out there, if love can see us through, then we will always be together.
somewhere out there, out where both our dreams can come true.

and p.s -
happy birthday dearest mummy,
i will always love you despite our little squabbles.
you are my rock and you are my best friend,
i want you to have a long life because i donte know how to go through everyday without you by my side.

i will hold on to the faith in what i believe to be true,
that is the one thing that can never be taken from me unless i allow it.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-10-12T14:36:00.004+08:00

i hung up the phone tonight
and something happened for the first time deep inside, it was a rush.
the possibility that you would ever feel the same way about me.
it is just too much and why do i keep running from the truth.
all i ever think about is you.
you got me hypnotised and so mesmerized
and i have just go to know where this thing can go.

the girls came over yesterday and it was so nice to have them around,
exploring and looking around at newly decorated house.
thank you all for coming and i love all of you with my heart,
thank you nysa and aidah for the really cute carebears.
i love it with all my heart and the note inside was the sweetest.
i had a late night yesterday and i miss being out until the wee hours of the morning.
i think family and friends are the only ones that are keeping me sane here.
truth is, i donte like this place anymore.
i want to travel and i love being in all sorts of places,
i am keeping my papa's promise close to my heart,
he is going to move us again in a year's time
and within this whole year, i am allowed to make frequent trips back to dubai
and khalied is coming over to singapore.
i cante wait for the culture shock that he is going to experience.

i think i am the least excited person for school,
it is going to be a new school again with new friends
but i do not see myself smiling at all.
i know that when the time comes, i am going to be dragging my feet out of the door.
i feel so exhausted just thinking about it
but my papa always pushes me with words of wisdom and encouragement
and my mother and brother has been very supportive
because they donte want to see me depressed.
i love them more than i could have ever imagined, i love my amazing family.

i deleted the boys i donte know off my facebook,
i guess i am not really interested to talk to any boy anymore,
except the ones that i know since high school and the ones that i know in dubai.
i donte know what was the reason for this action,
but i think i did a good thing and plus,
i donte need people i donte know looking at my profile.

just when i think things cante get any worse, they actually do.
i have learned that life is like hour glass sand.
and sooner or later, everything hits rock bottom,
but all i have to do is be patient and
wait for something to turn everything back around.
there are things in life that never last but the truth is,
i never lose them until i let them go.
life is about choices like hanging on, holding back, and letting go.
some things do last if i just let them, and if they let me.

sometimes late at night,
i think about all the things that have been,
all the things that have not been, and all the things yet to be.
if my heart could explode into a billion tiny pieces and scatter themselves,
and if only icould live on all over the world.
sunlight and city sounds and fall asleep in those thousands of lighted windows,
i wonder if this world will ever make sense to me,
if i will ever truly understand anything and if there is really anything to understand at all.

i would like to tell myself that no matter where life takes me,
big cities, small towns, i will inevitably come across
small minded people who think they are better than me.
people who think that material things, or being pretty or popular,
automatically make a person a worthwhile human being.
i am going to keep on telling myself that none of these things matter
unless i have strength of character, integrity and
if i am lucky enough to have any of these things,
i should never sell out and sell myself short.

at some point in time, i have to make a decision.
boundaries donte keep me out, they just fence me in.
life is messy and that is how we are made.
i can waste my life away drawing lines or i can live my life crossing them.
but there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross,
i need to know my boundaries from time to time.

i have always thought living life to the fullest
is waking up on a monday morning with no complaints.
it is knowing that i always deserve to laugh.
it is doing what feels right no matter what
and it is doing what i want to, no matter how stupid i look.
it is about being myself,
because nobody can tell me that i am doing it wrong except myself.

i have this connection with you hayati, though you do not really see it.
it is like i turn around without a reason either i can think of
and you are either passing by or is standing nearby just looking at me.
i can pick you out of a crowd of over a hundred almost instantly sometimes.
it is almost as if i can feel your presence next to me all the time.

maybe i found comfort in the words you said, not from laying in your arms.
they were the words i needed to hear, and it did not matter where you were.
it was not puppy love or infatuation or love at first sight
or anything that people always talked and laughed about.
maybe i donte know just what i meant and i cante really explain it.
it is so hard to put into words but,
well, maybe it was just something i had never felt before,
something i would never even known.
people cante just tell me about things like that,
i have to find them out for myself.
and that is why it is so important because
it was something that i will always remember.

how am i supposed to take you home when i cante make my feet move from this spot.
if i could die tomorrow i would,
just so i could spend one more night with you.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-10-09T00:49:00.004+08:00

i am going to turn my swagga on. ♥

2009-10-09T00:45:00.002+08:00

i remember the first time but it was not the last time
that you told me that you would take me back,
and so, i am still wondering why.
was it ever a question and i shoudl learned my lesson.
i keep coming back, like a heart attack that is always breaking.
i cante let you vanish,
there is no magic when you are gone.

it is time that i strat getting things done right.
my dad left to muscat yesterday morning and
he was in dubai for sometime with my dearest khalooth,
spending some quality time and i honestly wished that i was there.
so my dad told me, that i have one more year left and i have to start moving again.
i am hoping to go back to dubai,
but if i donte get what i want, it might be muscat or panama.
so i have to start studying hard once school starts, because i want this badly.
i realise that i have the passion for travelling and moving around.
i miss khalooth all the time but we see each other over the net all the time,
and we talk on the phone almost a million times in a day.
i honestly cante wait to go back to dubai and
i cante wait to show him around singapore.

i need to start doing something interesting.
i donte know what i am going to do yet
but once the house is properly doned up, i am stepping out of my room.
i am tired of the same old thing, i want my life to be full of zests and sparkles.
it is not going to come to me instantly, so i have to go and search for it.
hopefully, in these few weeks, i get something amazing to do.

life is an adventure.
being on earth is an opportunity for progress and learning.
it is about forgetting everything and erasing the memory of the past
and allowing myself to enjoy new experiences.
being happy is within reach and
i believe that god created me to be happy and life tends to show me this truth.
the world is what i make of it and when i change the way i think,
i know that i can change the world too.

on the good days,
i feel like i get it, like it all makes sense.
i can stay in the moment, and i donte have to control everything in the future,
and i believe everything is going to work out fine.
on the bad days, i just want to grab the phone and start dialing numbers.
i want to pull my hair and run through the streets screaming.
but thanks to the people i have met in these rooms,
i am pretty sure that i am going to make it through today.

sometimes in life,
there really are bonds formed that can never be broken.
sometimes, i really can find that one person who will stand by me no matter what.
maybe i will find it in a spouse and celebrate it with my dream wedding.
but there is also the chance that the person i can count on for a lifetime,
the person who knows you sometimes better than i know myself,
is the same person who has been standing beside me all along.

my thoughts about the world are shaken
like driving along a bumpy road and losing control of the steering wheel,
tossing myself just a tad off the road.
the wheels kick up some dirt, but i am able to pull it back.
yet, no matter how tightly i grip the wheel,
no matter how hard i try to drive straight,
something keeps jerking myself to the side.
i have so little control over anything anymore
and at some point, the struggle becomes too much and too tiring
and i might consider letting go,
allowing tragedy or whatever to happen.

i used to hate this dubai,
and i used to hate every single blade of grass on every hill,
but you taught me so much.
you taught me that it is not the job of this town to make me feel happy
and it is not its fault that i donte fit in, i didnt even try to fit in.
it does not matter where i am in the world,
because it is about where i am in my head.
it is about the other world that i inhabit,
it is the world of dreams, hope, imagination, and memories that i will never forget.

the thing is,
there is never a time when i will be more honest,
when my convictions will be stronger
or when my motives will be more pure than they are right now.
and that which means i should chase whatever it is that excites me.
i need to start being confident and taking bigger risks in life.
i cannot believe that the purpose of life is to be happy.
i think the purpose of my life is to be useful,
to be responsible, and to be compassionate.
it is, above all to matter, to count, to stand for something,
i want to made a difference, the one that i have been living for all my life.

i know that there is not one thing on the other side of that door
that could ever come close to making me as happy as i am when i am with you.
and that is why i am here, because i love you.
and no matter how hard things get,
no matter what shit life throws at us, there is no where else that i rather be.
i want to spend the rest of my life here, just right next to you.

i wish you were here to find me,
smile and drag me out dancing on a thursday night,
soft smile sliding out the syllables of my name in reproach,
except, maybe you donte go out dancing because you never really liked dancing.
that is alright by me, i could be all dressed up and we could sit in your room
and talk about art and smile shyly at each other
and wonder how we will ever cross that divide to the first kiss.
maybe it would be nice to cross that huge divide.
and i like the idea that you'd be there,
on the other side of the world, just waiting for me.

and it is true,
i cante go on without you, your smile makes me see clearer.
and if you could only see in the mirror what i see.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-10-07T01:58:00.003+08:00

here i stand alone, with this weight upon my heart.
it will not go away in my head,
and i keep on looking back, right back to the start.
wondering what it was that made you change,
many roads to take and some to joy, some to heartache.
anyone can lose their way and if i said that we could turn it back.
would you take the chance and make the change,
do you think how it would have been sometimes
and do you pray that i would have never left your side.

here is a toast to the good old days,
to the friends back in dubai, and the ones that i just cante live without.
the people that have taught me how to party
and how to live, how to have a good time just sitting around.
here are to the people that no matter
how bad things seem are going to be there for me
and to lean back and catch me even if i fall.
i miss my girls and i miss college badly.
rahma send me the most sweetest message
through blackberry messenger since she has the same phone too,
she said that she was out with the girls now
and they wished that i was back in dubai.
i cannot wait to be back in dubai, i miss my girls with all my heart too.

i went over to amelea's on sunday and i met aqilah and kak liyana too.
it was good to see them again although it was for a little while.
i am so happy for amelea and i can never wish anything better for her.
i have been going around singapore with the whole family since my dad is still here.
he brought us to hilton to sample the amazing cakes.
my dad told me another news that i have to start moving again in a year
and this time, i am so much more happier because
i love the experience and i love being outside of singapore.
i miss my dearest khalied and i cante wait for him to fly here,
i cante wait to show him around.

chances are always missed,
first chances, second chances, last chances.
they fly right past me like fireflies, shooting stars and like a pretty butterfly.
even though i try to catch the chances,
like how i try to catch fireflies or whether i savour the precious moments,
like when i see that shooting star or even when i think about how that beautiful butterfly was once a vulnerable little caterpillar,
it does not make any of the chances seem any easier to chase,
any easier to savour, or any closer.

in fact, it makes them seem farther away.
so much more harder to catch and harder to savour.
and harder to remember once they have passed me by
but that is the thing about chances.
the donte want to be caught, savoured or remembered,
they just want to be chances, things that happen in an instant.
like the firefly passing by, the shooting start soaring through the night sky,
and the butterfly casually gliding by.
and in those few moments,
i am lucky enough to chance upon a firefly,
savour a shooting star or even relate to the butterfly,
i know that i deserve a chance.

i am not made to handle every punch that is thrown at me.
i am just not made that way and in fact,
i am made to get mad, upset, sad, be hurt, stumble and fall.
i am not supposed to be able to handle everything
but that is what that makes me stronger in the end,
by learning from the things that hurts me the most
and some of them could even be memories that hurt.

i need to start losing myself in all the rush.
after all, it is the only time that i have ever felt so alive.
i am not going to try to hide or deny,
the happiness i felt because of the sadness i might feel later.
i know it is crazy but how often did i actually smile when i was sane.
i shall not grip onto the pain that i might feel
because if my feelings scare me, it is too late.
i can close my heart but i will never be the same again.
this rush is all there is to live for and
i am not going to worry what may be in store.
momentarily eternities.

to be honest with you,
i donte have the words to make you feel better
but i do have the arms to give you a hug,
ears to listen to whatever you want to talk about,
and i have a heart, a heart thats aching to see you smile again.
sometimes you being so close to me takes my breath away,
and all the things i want to say can find no voice and then, in silence,
i can only hope my eyes will speak for my heart.

this might be my last chance, so maybe i should take it.
i just hope you are listening to everything that i am saying.
i miss the long drives, the car rides, the bad fights, and the good times.
the way you make me feel will never leave my mind.
i hink of you all the time in my empty room where i will fall asleep alone,
i wished that you were still here to suprise me at my doorstep all the time.

i have never had this many feelings for one person,
and please donte get me wrong,
i have fallen for people before especially the cutest football players,
but it is just different this time,
and this time i feel so much, i feel so much about love
and now you have got me thinking about the first time that i met you.
i could only see you and i hope my words will get through,
because now i just cante forget you and i want to tell you,
if only i could reach you,
i just want to let you know about how much you meant to me.

i found my other half,
and i actually asked myself how did i lived before,
because when i did not have it, i did not know it was missing
and once, i finally found it something amazing happens.
i not only find beauty in myself, but i find beauty in another person, you.
and knowing that other person sees that same thing in me, it is just astonishing.

i just want to feel safe with someone,
to not always be wondering how he feels about me,
to not always be waiting for him to walk away,
to not always be wishing he would love me back.
i need to be able to trust that a man is there for me for the right reasons, because he cares enough to be there.

the prettiest face smile through the tears and the brave heart can lose to fear.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-10-03T14:18:00.002+08:00

remember all the things we wanted
and now all our memories, they are hanuted.
we were always meant to say goodbye even without fist held high
and never we have worked out tight and we were meant to do ir die.
i did not want us to burn out,
i did not come here to hurt you.
i want you to know that it does not matter where we take this road.
someone got to go and i want you to know,
you could not have loved me better.
but i want you to move on so i am already gone.

i am feeling under the weather,
my nose is clogged up and i am having a very bad cough but i still feel good somehow.
i have never been happier in these last few days
because it made me realise what i am to you.
you still scarifise everything you can for me
and it totally made sense and i finally comprehend why my parents love you too.
i cante wait to see you here and i cante wait to be done with my studies
fate has a funny way to changing things and eveyday i count my blessings from allah,
because i have you in my life and i met you.
ana mustaglik hayati khalied, wallahi bahebek enta.

so the tickets for this wednesday is confirmed
and my room is finally ready, i cante wait to have my friends over
and have some crazy parties in the house.
school is now confirmed and i will be starting this month,
i am totally not looking forward to it.
i have been so busy the lats few days, the container finally arrived
and i didnt know there was going to be too many boxes.
i didnt know i had too many shoes and now i have to keep them in my room
because my dad might get a little displease when he sees all that shoes.
i love my dad and we had a good talk yesterday about how much i am growing up now
and about me falling in love openly for the first time.
i am so blessed to have amazing supportive parents,
i would never know what to do without them.

life has to go on, it always does.
that is what i learn as i get older everytime.
time just kept moving and i can never stop it, it has never been in my hand.
i could not go back to the moments i wished that i could change.
those moments were gone and they left me in a snap.
i donte know what goes on in anyone’s life but my own
and it goes the same for everybody.
and when i mess with one part of a person’s life,
i am not messing with just that part.
unfortunately, i cante be that precise and selective.
when i mess with one part of a person’s life,
i am going to be messing with their entire life.
everything affects everything and i donte want that,
i want to hold you close in my heart all the time.

i donte need to tell anybody any of this
but the things that i do not reveal are the things
i hold closest and fear losing the most.
i work overtime keeping them veiled and camouflaged all the time,
nobody needs to know that i walk around all day
fearing the things that make me happy,
and that i have been doing that for my entire life.
it is not only scary but it is trepidation.

and i also know how important it is in life,
i do not necessarily have to be strong but i know that i have to feel strong
and to measure myself at least once.
to find myself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions
and facing the blind death stone alone,
with nothing to help me but my hands and my own very head.

i will not let my fire go out, and spark by irreplaceable spark.
in the hopeless swamps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not all,
i shall not let the hero in my soul perish and leave only frustration for the life that i deserved,
but the ones that i never have been able to reach.
the world that i desire can be won,
i know it exists and i know that it is real, it is possible, and it is mine to get.

sometimes,
i will be piled on the couch wearing sweats,
eating the kind of ice cream i like, watching my favourite teevee show all day long
and talking in the shorthand way, i talk that nobody understands
and i will realize that this every day and the other days that will come,
simple, no big deal moment, is my happiness.

i know that there are some things that cante be changed.
i know that there are some situations where apologies hold no bearings
and know that twists of fate can bring people together,
but sometimes everything happens for a reason tears them apart.
and most of the time, i carry all of these things violently close to my heart.
i donte want us apart, i just want you to my ever after, if that is possible.

i love what you are
and what you do and how you try to impress me.
i have seen your kindness and your strength that carries you through
and i have seen the best of you and i have seen the worst of you.
and i understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are.
i love you and it just made me think a lot,
about how fragile life is, and how it could end any time.
but i would be happy if i spent it with you and
it would be worth living if it was with you.

i sit and wonder about your whereabouts, while my own life is going nowhere.
sometimes i wonder if i will ever get it right, if i will ever see you again,
if it is all one big joke and maybe there really is not such a thing as a fate because i am a big believer of fate.
maybe we both might live and just die, and that is all there is to it.
maybe the outcome of my life really depends on how i choose to live it,
and not by praying and wishing for a sign to direct me all the time.
these moments count and i realize i donte ever want to waste another one without you.

you made a huge impact on my life,
and nobody can ever fill that space that you created.
there will not be a day that passes that i wonte think of you.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-09-29T02:00:00.003+08:00

you are beautiful.
every little piece of love, donte you know.
you are really going to be someone,
just ask anybody.
and when you find everything you have looked for,
i hope your life leads you straight back to my door.
i am taking pictures in my mind so that i can save them for a rainy day.
it is hard to make conversations when you are taking my breathe away.

i was like, why you so obsessed with me.

i realise that even after a long time,
people are still trying to bring me down.
i donte know for what reason but i choose to believe it is envy.
i know you will be reading this,
i am happy now and i donte give a damn who reads this page.
to hell with you and i realised that you might need something else to do,
since you are so liberated to know what is going on about my life.
i donte go around hating, i donte go around cursing
but this might be the first time that i actually hate somebody.

anyways,
i had a really good night with the girls.
we all met at aqilah's open house and everybody looks great.
we all had some catching up to do
and after that, they came over to my place.
i felt really bad because the furnitures were not in yet.
we were talking about life and oppurtunities,
i love my girls and i wish the best for all of them.
i even got to catch up with jesie last night.
we havent spoke in months and
it always feel good catching up with people that you miss the most.

khalied has been calling me everyday and we webcam all the time
and thanks to my supportive parents who always stand by my side.
i know that i am only nineteen
but i love the fact that they love the boy that i love too
and that is the best thing that i could ever asked for.
i cante wait to go back to dubai again
and college just started, i was supposed to be doing fall semester.

i think apathy is the easiest trap to fall into
and i think the best thing that i can do is to avoid it is to stay passionate.
because the times of utter misery are so worth it
for the times of complete happiness, my happiness.
and i would never allow myself to stop caring
and feeling too much is better than not feeling enough.
i will just tell something that i actually believe in,
i do things for a lot of reasons, most of them that i may never know why.
but even if i had made mistakes,
i believe that i still have the power to change where i go from there.
and even though i have made mistakes, i believe those are just things that i have done and it does not define who i am.

too often,
the thing i want the most is the thing that i cante have.
desire leaves me heartbroken and it wears me out.
desire can wreck my life, but as tough as wanting something can be,
the people who suffer the most are those who donte know what they want in life.
i need to start telling myself what means the most now.

often,
i allow myself to be upset by small things i should despise and forget.
i lose many irreplaceable hours brooding over grievances that,
in a year's time, will be forgotten by me and by everybody else.
nope, let me devote my life to worthwhile actions and feelings,
to great thoughts, real affections and enduring undertakings
that i know that i will be able to handle.

sometimes i have to make the decision to be happy.
i need to just realize things are not ever what i hope what they would be, not ever.
the only thing that seperates people like me from another is that
there are some who stay angry about it and t
here are some that accept what comes their way.
tell me how i am going to make it when you are the one i cante forget.
it is like i am running in slow motion in a nightmare that never ends.
when i try to face it and when i wake up, i hate the way reality sets in.
god, i wish you could hold me through the seven days of loneliness.

laying there with your arms around me,
i felt so comfortable and safe,
my heart was beating a mile a minute having you so close to me.
as you played with my hair, i could not help but smile straight from my heart.
i could see how much you cared from the look in your eyes.
it made me never want to let you go, to just stay wrapped in your arms forever,
where nothing else matters but you and me.

every night is the same, i stare out my window and pick out a star.
and every night i wish for the same thing,
even though i know it will never come true.
i still donte give up, and every night, i wish for you.
i donte miss out on what is happening now,
just because i am waiting for something better to come along,
i donte want anything better because you are all that i need.
i know that i cante live in the future but this is just the risk that i have to take.

i have to admit that i lose myself in love all the time.
it is no shame and i even write songs about it.
the hitch is that i cante stay lost.
sooner or later, i have to get back to myself.
love drains me, takes with it much of my blood, sugar and water weight.
i am like a house slowly losing its electricity, the fans slowing,
the lights dimming and flickering,
the clocks stop and go and stop.
i finally find a glimmer of happiness in this world
and there is always someone who wants to destroy it.

i believe in love,
in arguing, in jamming out by myself in the car.
i still believe in smiling till my cheeks hurt and laughing until i finally cry.
i believe in having someone to always tell me that i am beautiful,
even when i look bad in the morning,
dancing in the rain, and miracles.
i believe in second chances, even if i have completely screwed up.

i always tell myself that when you love someone,
nothing in the world matters but that is not true.
you know, and i know that when you love someone,
everything in the world matters a little bit more.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-09-24T11:43:00.003+08:00

she cante see the way your eyes light up when you smile.
she will never notice how you stop and stare whenever she walks by,
and you cante see me wanting you the way you want her,
but you are everything to me.
and i just want to show you that she donte even know you.
she is never going to love you like i want to.
and you just see right through me but if only you knew me,
we could be a beautiful miracle and unbelievable.
instead, i am just invisible.

these past few days have been nothing but exhaustion.
i am so tired, i wished that i could fly back to the middle east at this instance.
i love the life over there, it is always at my own paced.
my dad is flying in a week's time
and i donte know when i am going to fly out of singapore again.
it depends on my school now and i have less than a month before school commences.
i donte know if i am looking forward to it,
my life is in my hands, i have planned it and i hope things are not going to change.

i want something to wake up for every morning.
it does not have to someone, but i would like it to be, it just needs to exist.
i want to stop disappointing people, because i want to stop disappointing myself.
i want to stop making friends with the right kind of people who make me feel wrong.
i want to find a passion for anything, anything to keeps me going.
i want to be the girl at the end of the movie who does the half smile, and knows everything will be fine.

i want total honesty to be easier to achieved.
i want to end my life as myself,
not for my friends, not my family and not who they always expected i would be.
i want equality to exist among everyone especially prejudiced teenage girls.
i want stress and exhaustion to disappear.
i want to achieve everything people never get to do.

i really hate when people say it is going to be alright
because guess what, just because people said that, it does not mean that it will.
and sure, maybe at first it will make things feel better,
but that feeling does not last.
there is no such thing as destiny.
there are only different choices and some choices are easy, some are not.
those are the really important ones, the ones that defines me as myself.
sometimes i must get hurt in order to grow, and i must fail in order to know.
sometimes, my vision clears only after my eyes are washed away with tears.

too often going after what feels good mean letting go of what i know is right.
and letting someone in means abandoning the walls i took so long to build.
of course, the toughest sacrifices are the ones that i donte see coming,
when i donte have time to come up with a strategy,
pick a side, or measure the potential loss.
when that happens, when the batter chooses me and not the other way around,
that is when the sacrifice becomes more than what i can bear.

it does not matter how many shooting stars i have seen,
or how many four-leaf clovers i have picked.
it does matter how many pennies i throw into the fountain,
or how hard i cross my fingers.
i begin to realise that they are all worthless.
because i know as well as i should that everything happens on its own and its reason.

there is a reason why two people come together and stay together,
they both give each other something no one else can.
there is that one moment,
the moment when i have figured out how much i have really let go,
and how much i have grown.
it is that moment when i cante look back,
yet i cante seem to look too far into the future.
it is that moment when i realize that i am living for myself and no one else.

there is no doubt in my mind that i am in love with you.
everything about you makes me smile, when you hold my hand, i never want to let go.
when you are sad, i would do anything in my power to make it better.
you mean so much to me that it hurts.
i would give anything to be with you every second of everyday.

i spend twenty three hours a day wondering whether we are wrong for each other,
wondering whether we both have got the energy that we need
to get through everything that we seem to get into,
whether the baggage we both bring would sink a small ship.
but in the last hour, i realised that
i have been thinking about you for the whole day.
there is something about you i cante stay away from
and just something about you, that makes me want to love you.

every once in a while, i step up and rise about myself.
sometimes, i suprise myself and on the other times, i just fall short.
life is funny sometimes, it can push pretty hard,
but if i start looking close enough, i find hope in the words of children,
in the bars of a song, and in the eyes of someone i love.
and if i am lucky, and if i am the luckiest person on this entire planet,
the person i love decides to love me back and that is the best thing in the world.

i have to say something because i donte think i have made it clear.
i am in love with you, powerfully and painfully in love.
the things you do, the way you think, the way you move,
i get excited everytime i am about to see you.
you make me feel like i have never felt before in my life
and i just thought that you might want to know that.
i liked it when my fingers were entangled in yours, and my head was on your chest,
listening to your heartbeat, it made me feel safe.
like at that moment, nothing bad could touch me.

i had to protect myself from myself,
from that little girl inside still looking for a happy ending.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-09-21T08:40:00.002+08:00

we were as one from the moment in time.
and it seemed everlasting that you would always be moine.
now you want to be free, so i will let you fly.
because i know that in my heart, our love will never die.
you will always be a part of me.
i am a part of you indefinately.
donte you know that you cante escape me.
darling, because you will always be my baby.
we will linger on and time cante erase this feeling so strong.

eid mubarak. ♥

it was the first day of eid yesterday
and every time,
i only have one house to visit because my dad does not have his family in singapore.
i was not feeling too good, my stomach was playing tricks on me
and i spent three hours in my nanny's house.
after that, i decided to go home and my brother did not want to leave me alone.
i think i am still jet-lagged and i havent got use to the timings yet.
it is almost nine in the morning and i have to start going to bed soon.
the biggest bummer is that i have to wake uo by the afternoon
and i hope i am going to feel so much better today.
it is eid, i need to let my hair down and go crazy.

i got back to singapore a few days ago,
and i havent seen many people yet and i havent really spoke to anybody yet.
i have been so tired and busy doing up the house.
i called amelea the other day and she was screaming when i said i was back home.
i wanted to suprise aqilah that night itself
but in the end, i met her at kentucky while i was getting food for iftar.
she looked totally suprised and i wished i had a camera with me
and just remind her of the look on her face when i said hello.
i miss the girls so much.

i just finished skyping with khalied and i have really good news to share.
there is going to be another person in the family.
well, not my family but his.
his mum has eight kids and soon, she will be having nine.
i donte know how she does it but she is one strong cookie and i totally salute her.
i miss khalied so much but with the blessings and help from our parents,
things have been more than fine even though we are a thousand miles apart.

suddenly, i knew what i had to do.
love is not about ridulous words.
love is about grand gestures,
love is about airplaes pulling banners over stadiums,
proposals on jumbo-trons, giant words in sky writing.
love is about going that extra mile even if it hurts,
letting it all hang out there.
and love is about finding courage inside of me
that i did not even know was there.

i need to promise myself to be strong, that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
i need to start looking at the sunny side of
everything and make my optimism come true.
i need to start thinking only the best,
work only for the best, and expect only the best.
i need to forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
i am given so much time to the improvement of myself
that i have no time to criticize others.
i have started living living in the faith that the whole world is my your side as long as i am true to the best that is in me.

i am stuck.
i am in this place, in between my future and my past,
and i am not sure which one i want more but i guess it was only natural.
to dream of a summer love from long ago,
or nights spent with my friends that i used to know.
these people had long gone since, and part of me wanted them back.
that was the funny part.
sometimes,admitting i missed people or things or times long ago made me weak or something but it did not.
and sometimes i would curl up by my window and stare off into the stars,
dreaming of my future, the love and friends i had yet to come.
part of me just wanted to throw myself into the future
and the other part wanted to hurl myself into my past.

i need to take chances, a whole lot of them.
because honestly, no matter where i end up and with who,
it always ends up the way it should be.
my mistakes make me who i am.
i learn and grow with each choice that i make and everything is worth it.
i need to start saying how i feel and be alright with it.
i donte always win battles, but at least i tried fighting.
i am not always right, but at least i thought i was.
i am not always going to stand, sometimes i just have to fall
but the lessons i learn from this are the best lessons in life.

that thing,
that moment when everything around me becomes hazy
and the only thing in focus is me and this person and i realise that that person
is the only person i should be kissing for the rest of my life.
and for one moment, i get this amazing gift and it makes me want to laugh
and it makes me want to cry because i feel so lucky that i found it
and also, i am scared that it is all going to go away at the same time.

i have failed and i was bad at things.
i have been embarrased, been afraid and also very vulnerable.
i have went out on a limb or two and i will fall, and i know that it will hurt.
but the farther u fall, the higher i know i will rise and the higher i rise,
the clearer my future becomes.
failure is a gift, and soon, i need to start welcoming it.
there are people who spend their whole lives
wondering how they became the people they became,
how certain chances pass them by, why they did not take the roads less travelled,
those people are just not me, i know that.

i have front row seats to my own transformation,
and in transforming myself, and i might just transform the world.
it will be electric, and i promise myself that it will also be terrifying.
i need to start embracing that,
and i need to start embracing the new person that i am becoming.
this is my moment and i promised myself that it is now, not two minutes from now, not tomorrow but really now.
i have started owning that, and i know that deep in my bones,
i go to sleep every night knowing that, wake up every morning remembering that,
and i keep going on strong.

i spend my whole life searching for all the things i think i want,
never really knowing what i really have.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-09-17T09:52:00.003+08:00

did i ever wish that i could take back something that i did in my past,
if it was not for me, i know what we had was definitely going to last.
i admit that we say some things we donte mean when we are mad,
but i realized that i have been foolish and i never should have turned my back.
because it is a cold world when i am out there all alone,
so many times that i wanted to just pick up the phone.
and tell you how much i miss your love,
i am not holding back any more, your girl is coming home.
love me like i never left.

this is it,
i know that this is another beginning of our beautiful relationship.
it is not going to be easy but i am going to travel out as much as i can
and i know that you will do the same for me too.
i am going to miss you but things are not going to change,
especially about the way i feel for you.
thank you for the beautiful blackberry, thank you for all these months
and thank you for being you and just being yourself
and loving me like the way you do.
i can never ask and wish for anything better given from god above.

these past few days have been really tiring
but i am soaking every moment of it.
i slept at six in the morning yesterday and i had to be up by one in the afternoon.
my body is really tired but i am just having the time of my life.
i met tawhid and jayjay last night and i had one of the best cakes in town
and after that, i met rahma and nadia at the beach since it was nadia's birthday.
they were all drinking and dancing while
i was just laughing way too much because of rahma.

the next chapter of my life begins,
and i am going to make the best of every experinece that god has planned for me.
it is not easy especially when i have to deal with changes all the time.
through time, i am slowly learning what life is all about,
who my true friends are and not to succumb to people who try to bring me down.

i never really grow up,
i am still who i was when i was ten.
still just as immature,
ready to have fun and i am going to admit that i still love the playground.
the only difference is that i have had my heart broken,
and that is what that really changed me.
i wonder if life would be perfect if sweatpants were sexy,
monday mornings were fun, junk food did not make me fat,
i did not have to cause any drama, if i was not that confusing,
nothing was regrettable, and goodbyes are only meant until tomorrow.

i am just going to keep my eyes closed
because this is like that moment in the morning when i first wake up
and i am still half asleep and everything seems dreamy.
things are possible, dreams feel true
and for that one moment between waking and dreaming,
anything can be real and then i open my eyes and
the sun hits me and then i realise that i just want to keep my eyes closed.

the rest of my life is a long time and whether i know it or not,
it is being shaped right now.
i can choose the blame your circumstances on fate or bad luck
of bad choices or i can fight back.
things are not always going to be fair in the real world, that is just the way it is.
what is worse,
not getting everything i wished for of getting it but finding out it is not enough.
the rest of my life is being shaped right now with the dreams i am chasing,
the choices i make and the person i decide to be.
the rest of my life is a long time and the rest of my life starts right now.

ever since i met you, i have looked at love differently.
i figured out that it is the only thing that can make me happy.
i will no longer throw it around like it is just a word.
i learned not to fall for it easily, despite what i heard.
i have learned that my heart is fragile, and to protect it from a break.
and i learned to never let it go, for that is something that i could not take.

i believe there is a force in this world that lives beneath the surface,
something primitive and wild that awakens when i need an extra push to survive,
like wildflowers that bloom after the fire turns the forest black.
i am really afraid of it, and keep it buried deep inside myself.
but there will always be a part of me
that will have the courage to love what is untamed inside me.

my biggest fear is that i will never find another love like you.
i had not asked for this to happen, i did not want to fall.
but here i am, at the bottom, completely in love with you.
i would trade everything to have you here and
i would give up everything for the feeling i feel when i am with you.
if i cante feel it again, then i donte know what i would do.

your scent, and the soft kisses on these warm summer nights.
this is what i waited my whole life for and i am going to spend my entire life
searching for a moment where i feel it again.
and this time, when i find it, i will never let it get away from me.
i will hold you in my arms and take in everything you are.
i will fall in love and have a smile that no one else can replace.
and i want to whisper, i have waited my whole life for this
and i want to say that i have waited long enough.

some things are meant to happen.
some things are bound to be.
love has a way of making doubting hearts believe.
sometimes in spite of difference, sometimes against all odds,
some things are meant to happen.
it is written in the stars.

i have been running around for the last year trying to find some clarity,
and all of a sudden i am so clear, and it is ridiculous.
i want to be with you.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-09-14T05:56:00.003+08:00

remember all the things we wanted, now all our memories they are haunted.
we were always meant to say goodbye even with our fists held high,
it never would have worked out right.
we were never meant to do or die, i did not want us to burn out.
i did not come here to hold you, now i cante stop.
i want you to know that it does not matter and where we take this road,
someone has to go and i want you to know you could not have loved me better.

my days are numbered and i have been going out everyday
that my body is really exhausted.
i donte have enough sleep and rest and my stomach is playing tricks on me.
i am going to be fine, i know that for sure.
i went to khalied's house yesterday with my mum for iftar
and i got home at two in the morning, it was an amazing night
but i am not going into details because some things are just meant to be personal.
i love his family and i cannot ask for anything better.

the other night,
i met rahma at dubai mall with meliza and rose.
i havent seen rahma in a month now.
she was not doing too well because of her heartbreak
and i hope she realise how much she is worth it.
khalied was sweet enough to wait while i went for a little shopping spree
and had a little girly time.

my mum got me a little gift and she decided to do a little something.
i love my mama and now, i must say that my laptop looks shagadelic.
i miss my dad and i hope that he is doing alright alone.
thank god for skype and because of that,
we can talk endlessly no matter where we are.

it was me, all along,
i was the one who resisted.
i wanted to hold happiness in reserve, like a bottle of champagne.
i postponed it because i was afraid,
because i overvalued it, and because i did not want to use it up,
because what do i actually wish for.
that possibilty,
that i was intimidated by getting what i wanted,
is the hardest one for me to consider,
which might mean it is the likeliest.

i could ink myself until everyone knows all the things that i love.
i could wear uniforms that gave me all the authority in the world.
i could lose weight until there was nothing left.
i need to paint the face and suck in my gu,.
but in the dark, stripped down to my bones, all that remains is me,
and just me alone.

what do i do when the thing i am fighting for is not worth it,
the reason i wake up in the morning is not there anymore,
my smile is permantely turned down, and i feel like i donte have a purpose anymore.
i go out and find something to replace it because all i really want is to be wanted.
back then, a lot was different about me.
i was almost a completely different person,
and maybe if things had not changed as much as they had,
i would still be the same.
however, the truth was, everything had changed,
and it would not be the same again.

it is amazing what one person can do.
some people build me up just to bend and break you.
some people bring out parts of me that i had no clue exsisted.
all throughout life, i meet people and every single one of them brings something
to me, gives me some sort of purpose.
i come across people that will hurt me so incredibly much that it seems unbearable to go on with my life,
but the truth is,
i can overcome anything i want to if i believed in it enough,
if i have faith in myself and in who i am.

the most important thing in life is,
to know who i am at all times and stand by that for the rest of my life.
nobody has the right to tell me who i am and control my life, cause it is mine.
my life is meant to be lived by nobody else but myself.
i sometimes let people get the best of me,
destroy me and change my opinions on what i believe is true.

only you know what is right for myself,
i have the power, i make the choices and i learn.
each experience i go through in a life is a lesson to be learned.
i make mistakes, why is that so hard for some to understand.
i should not be judged by the mistakes i have made.
everything happens for a reason, and without the hard times,
how would i ever realise my true strenght.
it is only through a time of suffering when i realise how strong i am truly inside,
when i realize how much i can actually put up with
and deal with before i eventually break.

life comes with no guarantees,
no time-outs, no second chances, i just to live life to the fullest.
i want to laugh as much as i can, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand,
fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late and smile until my face hurts.
i am never going to be afraid to take chances or fall in love,
and most of all live in the moment because when i look back someday,
knowing i have no regrets,
it is going to be what that makes me smile.

it will be strange to think, that i am not going to see you for months.
i might see the new moon, but not you.
i might see sunsets and sunrises, but nothing of your beautiful face.
the pieces of my broken heart are so small that
they could be passed through the eye of a needle.
i am going to miss you like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter.
instead of beauty to direct its light to,
the heart hardens like the frozen world your absence has banished me to.
hope guides me, that is what that will get me through the day and the night.
the hope that after you are gone from my sight,
it will not be the last time that i look upon you.

there was a silence between us for a moment,
and i actually wondered if all women, when in love, were torn between two impulses,
a longing to throw modesty and reserve to the winds and confess everything,
and an equal determination to conceal the love forever, utterly detatched,
to die rather than admit a thing so personal, so intimate.
i love you and this is not going to be goodbye.

i keep thinking of how much i love talking to you.
how good you look when you smile and how much i love your laugh.
i daydream about you all the time, replaying pieces of our conversations and laughing at funny things that you said or did.
i have memorized your face and the way that you look at me.
i catch myself smiling again at what i imagine.
i wonder what will happen the next time we are together
and even though neither of us know what the future holds,
i know one thing for sure that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

no ending can be right, because it should not be over at all.
the magic is not supposed to go away.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-09-11T08:38:00.001+08:00

أنا معكم دائما حتى عندما كنت بعيدا
حبك يملأ قلبي
وانا دائما معكم
أنا كنت أفكر دائما في
كنت أنسى أبدا لحظة
أشتاق لك حتى عندما كنت الى جانبي
يا حبيبة
أشتاق إليك كثيرا
وكنت أريد دائما أمام عيني
أشعر بالوحدة حتى عندما تكون بعيدا
حتى عندما تكون محاطا بأشخاص
ط نفتقدكم غاليا
حبيبي لا تذهب بعيدا
أحتاج لك بالقرب مني
انت حبي الاول
معكم هنا ليس عندي شيء للخوف ♥

2009-09-10T02:15:00.003+08:00

i never needed you to be strong,
i never needed you for pointing out my wrongs.
i never needed pain,i never needed strenght.
my love for you was strong enough and you should have known.
i never needed you for judgement, i never needed you to question what i spent.
i never ask for help, i take care of myself, i donte know why you think you got a hold on me.
and it is a little late for conversations, there is not anything that you can do.
and my eyes hurt, my hands shiver, so look at me,
listen to me because, i donte want to stay another minute.
i donte want you to say a single word.

i am not only certain that my parents are always going to be there
but i also know that they will be there at every step of the way no matter how old i get.
i was skyping with papa just now and to know that he is proud of me of how far i have been, tears welled up my eyes.
i know that i have to give up the thing i love the most,
to open new doors and to look for more opportunities,
to break away but i know that distance would not change the way i feel for the people i love.

i am certain that god will never take anything away from me
without giving me so much better.
he knows that i am able to take the pain
and i know that he knows that i am so much more emotionally stronger than i thought i was.
i am going to be okay no matter where i am going to be.
i guess this is the life i have always been dreaming of,
moving around and i must admit that adapting to changes is not easy but life is not even easy to begin with.

khalied came over last night,
and he was skyping with my dad too.
i started laughing when my mum wanted him to be inconspicuous.
we went to the beach last night and talked about our future,
about the long distance and about how much we have changed each other's lives.
the setting was perfect,
we were sitting at the rocks underneath the sky which was fulled of stars.
the big beautiful moon was plastered there and
i would want to capture the moment forever.

the truth was that i knew, after all those flat days, that i deserved better.
i deserve kiwi fruits and flowers and warriors coming to my door,
besotted with love.
i deserved pictures of my face in a million expresisons,
i deserved to grow, and to change,
to become all the girls that i could be over the course of my life,
each one better than the last.

i like to see people reunited,
i like to see people run into each other,
i like the kissing and the crying,
i like the impatience,
the stories that the mouth cante tell fast enough,
the ears that are not big enough, the eyes that cante see in all the change,
i like the hugging, the bringing together, and finally,
the end of missing someone.

people ask me who i am.
the answer, i donte really know.
a few years ago, i would have said i was a girl who loved life.
now, i guess i can say that i have been through a lot,
and i have been broken in lots of places, and lots of ways.
i guess you could say that i am just trying to find my place.

i have always wanted to be the girl who everyone notices when she walks into a room
not necessarily because i am exceptionally gorgeous or brilliant or has a smile plastered on her face everywhere i go because i am not.
i want to be noticed for just being that girl, the one you can always count on.
the one who is slightly mysterious but who will share my secrets.
the one who can get away with sitting a corner all by myself
or being a complete social butterfly i choose to.

and the fact is,
this girl is not noticed for wearing expensive clothing
or having a great body or knowing a lot of well-liked people.
i am simply noticed for my confidence,
my beauty, my poise and being exactly who i am supposed to be.
i know it seems like this type of girl can only be found
in a great fictional novel or film, but i want to believe.
i need to believe that this type of girl exists.
i need to believe that i can be noticed and loved for being who i want to be.
i need to believe that this type of girl is real.

i never thought i would hear myself saying this, but thank you.
because if you had not come along,
i never would have learned that my worst day could also have been my best.
because when a heart breaks, it also opens
and once a heart opens any number of things can happen,
and some of them can be wonderful.

i grow up, and i start to change,
everything becomes difficult,
but i am the one who make it that way.
i sit here and think about everything that happened today,
everything with me, everything with friends, everything good.
and then i realize, most of the good things have to do with you.

time is going by so much faster than i thought
and i have started to regret not spending all of it with you.
now i am wondering why i have kept this bottled inside
and i have started to regret not telling all of it to you.
if i have not yet, i have to let you
know that you are not going to be alone from this moment on.
if you ever feel like letting go, i would never let you fall.
you are never going to be alone, i know that i will hold you until the hurt is gone.

there will come a time in my life when
i become absolutely infatuated with a single soul.
for this person, i would do anything and not think twice about it,
but when asked why, i have no answer.
i will try my whole life to understand
how a single person can affect me as much as they do,
but i will never truly find out.
and no matter how badly it hurts or how badly i hate it,
i will always love this person for the rest of my life without regret.

i clutch my chest because i cante breathe, i donte want you to move on without me.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-09-07T22:18:00.002+08:00

i was caught in a place far away.
from the light and what i saw, i could not face so i closed my eyes.
i wish i could turn back the page and write my point of view,
i need to save all the time you waste.
donte let it escalade and there is nothing left to say,
forever is over and my heart is not going to fight.
and i am no longer afraid because if i donte get out now, i may never escape.
your power is fading away and
i am getting so stuck to the place where i belong.

my days have been really exhilarating and
i love the fact that i have something new to do everyday.
i am really tired but time waits for nobody, especially me.
i met rashid and jahaneh yesterday,
and thankfully, i finished what i was supposed to be doing.
my dearest jay got a new sexy red mini cooper and i did the honour by being the first one to ride in it.
i have another thing to get done, i need to get my driving license.
my papa promised me a really sweet deal and i am not going to let that slip away.

the day before, i spent eight hours in the mall.
khalied finally collected my pay and it feels good to splurge,
but i did not get anything for myself.
papa wanted me to get something for khalied's family and he comes from a big one.
he has eight siblings but i got to tell you the truth, i love big family.
he came last night and gave me a sweet suprise,
we had sahoor together and he left my place at three in the morning.
i love my parents for being the most supporting parents ever,
i really do not know what to do without them.

i have things to decide,
and i realise that god has plans for me.
nothing is going to last forever and that means happiness.
no matter how hard i donte want things to change, they are whether i like it or not.
i am going to take everyday as a stride
and even if that means moving another thousand miles.

beautiful things come out of horrible situations, i know for a fact.
out of sadness i get a new found wisdom on
how the world can look with a haze of gray clouds,
how people can be senseless,
how i can see the whole universe in a whole new way.
and that may be hard to handle, hard to cope, hard to accept,
but it is so damn beautiful if i really take the chance to realize.

out of anger, i can feel my heart beat race,
with every beat it is shaking my whole being and not only the heavy steps i take.
it is when me, my whole self and some power is telling me that i am alive
and that is amazing in every angle.
out of anything, there is something in there that makes it incredible
and something that makes it shine.
whatever i feel is potent and it is such a blessing to be able to feel what i feel.
i just have to think about it.

i promise myself to be strong,
that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
i need to look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.
i need to think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best.
i need to forget the mistakes of the past and press on
to the greater achievements of the future.
i need to give so much time to the improvement of myself
that i have no time to criticize others.
i need to live in the faith that the whole world is on my side
as long as i am true to the best that is in me.

sometimes i made decisions about my life
and they feel like the right decision at the time.
no, they are the right decisions at the time
but that does not mean that they will be right decisions forever,
and you know what i have realized as i have gotten older,
there is not a definite right and wrong anyway.
sometimes i do what seems wrong but i have a good reason for doing it,
so it is not so wrong after all.

i may still not know what i want to be when i grow up,
but i do know that someday,
i want to live in a house filled with my books and travel souvenirs
and the walls that are not covered in bookshelves
will be covered with photos of my family and friends.
when i leave the house i will be going to a job i love,
and i will return to a person i love.
so, that is the dream i am working on.

i want myself to love to the tips of my fingers,
and when i find that love, wherever i find it, whoever i choose,
i am never going to run away from it
but i donte have to chase after it either.
i just have to be patient, and it will come to me.
i am never going to be afraid and i will always remember, to love is to live.

i have lived in more than one place in my life, there is always someone that i miss.
when i leave a place that i loved to go somewhere else,
i feel my heart is split in several places at once
and i donte know where home is
because i donte know where your heart is right now.

no matter the distance that separates our bodies,
you and me will always be connected by heart and soul.
miles and time cante stop what we have.
it is a bond that lasts after everything else in my life has gone wrong
and we both know that someday we will be together all the time, but for now,
i am going to be contented with loving you from a distance,
because it makes every moment i spend in your arms all the more precious.

the perfect boy for me would be the one who understands me,
you understands my need to argue,
my want to sometimes be alone and my craving for love.
i really enjoy spending time with you,
even if we are just going to be sitting around and talking about nothing.
there are a million things i love about you, like your nose or the way you smile,
the way you look me in the eye too.
and i just get the greatest feeling when i make you laugh,
i feel as if my company makes you happy, and that is what i wish for you.
i would always want you to be happy and when i see you laugh at my clumsy ways,
i just makes me want to spend the rest of my life with you
so i can see a smile on your face.

there is so many things i have to say
but i would stay up all night just to hear about your day.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-09-04T21:19:00.002+08:00

the happiest moments were not complete if you were not by my side,
you are my relation and connection to the sun.
with you next to me, there is no darkness that i cante overcome.
you are the raindrops and i am the sea with you
and god who is the sunlight, i will bloom and grow so beautifully.
you make the confusion go all away from this cold and messed up world,
i am in love with you because you set me free.
i cante do this thing called life without you here with me
because i am dangerously in love with you.
i will never leave, just keep loving me the way i love you loving me.

it was the perfect date,
the snow glistening cold on our skin and the warmth of the chocolate fondant,
i can never ask or wish for anything better.
thank you for last night and thank you for staying up late with me,
just to watch a walk to remember, one of the best love stories ever written.
even though how tired you were, you were sitting by my side until four in the morning.
i love you and i would want you to always know that.

i do not paint a pretty little picture for myself all the time,
i am glad that life has been amazing for me.
i am still at undeniable crossroads but having people that supports me the most,
i know that i can take everything with my own hands.
i am going to succumb through the challenge of what god has wanted me to do.

whenever something happens that is not a part of my plan,
i always pretend that it does not exist.
i have to act in the movie about my perfect life ,
but i have to remind myself that the only one watching it, is me.
in my self-indulgent brooding,
i have come to no real conclusions or perhaps the conclusion,
i came to just did not satisfy me.
at any rate i am not a little lost girl or the girl next door,
any of those things would be livable, comfortable, satisfying even.
at least i would be definable.

what does it take to hope, everything.
hope takes never ceasing to be amazed, wearing my soul on my sleeve,
holding my breath and believing that tomorrow could be better than today,
that i will get a second chance,
that i will make a difference, and that i will finally be able to stand for something in my life.

i need to stop time and make sure that everything
i am doing right now is really what makes me happy.
i cante just live for some goal in the future and have that be everything
and have that be it because that is what some people do.
i never would want to admit this, but bad things will keep happening.
maybe that is because it is all a chain,
and a long time ago someone did the first bad thing and
that led someone else to do another bad thing, and so on.

it is like that game where you whisper a sentence into someone's ear,
and that person whispers it to someone else,
and it all comes out wrong in the end.
but then again, maybe bad things happen because it is the only way i can keep
remembering what good is supposed to feel like.

i been through the same exact things and i have struggled the same.
love does not hurt, it does not make me happy.
the truth is, love is found in the person that mkes me truly happy.
love is in a person, so i should never blame love when it cannot control its own meaning when so many people misuse it.
i have tried to look for it, but in fact, looking just makes it even harder to find.

you and i never play kissy face in front of strangers
and we never run to each other in slow motion.
no rolling around on the shore with sand between our toes but i guess this is a different kind of wonderful.
you and i are in love in the real world and it is not
what i thought it would be but i cante let this go.
a different kind of happiness, does not get more real than this.

when i am just lying there talking everything out,
the colleges i want to go to, the dreams i have, and just what is to come.
i realised that this moment is not going to last forever.
i am not a little kid anymore,
i cante close my eyes and time will stop for me,
i am actually growing up.
things will change and i am going to have more laughs and cries
but i donte care because the only thing that gets me
through almost everything is you.
you are special to me and i want to know if we would ever be amount to anything
so i know that not everything is just for nothing, you know i love you.

i know that we wonte ever really be close again
and that hurts more than you will ever know.
i need something, or just anything.
i just need some ounce of hope, that things will look up for us again.
something to prove that you and i both have not lost everything
because right now,
all i have is memories.

memories that hurt to remember,
because i know i cante have them back.
i wonder if you know how much this hurts for me
and how much it will hurt to go each day without you.
there will be days when i think things might be finally turning around.
i want happiness to last for all eternity, that fade away and much too quickly.

that is what love does to me, it teaches me,
it shows me so many things, and in the end,
it just makes me so much stronger.
i have learned not to cry for someone who did not make me worth their time,
instead, i should cry and laugh with someone who sees me as beautiful
and flawed as i am.

all i want is something to take away the pain, something to make things better.
something to make us smile and i want someone to love,
someone who will be there, and i want a hand to hold.
not only is that what i want, it is what i need.
after a while, i get sick of being alone, and i get sick of the pain
and that is when i need someone to love.

somehow,
i knew that i donte get many moments like this,
moments when i know without any doubt, that i am alive,
when i felt the air in your lungs and
the wet grass beneath my feet and the cotton on my skin,
moments when i was completely in the present,
when neither the past nor the future mattered.
i tried to slow down my breathing, hoping somehow to make this moment last forever.

you and i are at different places in one same relationship
and like anything that is out of alignment,
we are destined to crash sooner or later.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-09-01T23:13:00.004+08:00

no mountain is too high for me to climb,
all is i have to do is to have some faith climbing.
no river is too wide for me to make it across,
all i have to do is believe when i pray.
and then, i will see the morning will come
and everyday will be bright as the sun.
cast all your fears on me and i just want you to see
that i will be your cloud up the sky.
i will be your shoulder when you cry, i will hear your voice when you call me.
i am your angel and when all hope is gone, i am here.

my days have been very busy,
and i am running against time to meet my end's meet.
i wished things did not have to change over and over again but it is inevitable.
that is what makes life so much more interesting and harder.
my biological clock is all messed up and i have been getting up in the evening.
i need to get my body clock right again.

last night was a pretty awesome outing,
i went out with khalied and my mum.
i did not get anything for myself though
because i have been saving my money for my flights tickets.
i plan to visit africa one day but i will see what happens in the near future.
khalied come over last night, we started webcamming and we went crazy.
he left at three in the morning and he is here today
but he is currently shopping with my brother.
what a bummer.

i miss my dad, i hope he is doing alright.
i cannot wait to see him again and he told me to be so much stronger.
i still believe that god put you through things that he knows that you can handle,
i can handle this change, i know i can.
i can survive this whole ordeal.
i felt the pain, the aching loss that radiated out from my chest,
sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head but it was manageable.
i can live through it and it did not feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that i had grown strong enough to bear it.
if i have learned anything in life,
it is that sometimes things get in my path and i have a choice to make,
i can either smash right into them or i can adjust and move around,
but you have to do one or the other in order to move forward.

it is a wonder why i have not abandoned all my ideals,
they seem so absurd and impractical.
yet i cling to them because i still believe,
in spite of everything, people are truly good at heart.
and sometimes when my mind gets going, i just cante seem to get it to stop.
it is like a never ending spinning,
going around and around, thinking about those things i donte really want to know about myself but i just cante get it to stop.
the thoughts just clog my mind, my every movement.
i cante do anything without thinking, and eventually,
i just donte want to think anymore, but really,
i know that this is all that i have got.

because sometimes there is no easy way out.
i just have to grin and bear it and sometimes the only escape route is to go straight through the flames,
just brace myself and bite my lip.
sometimes i have to sever the ties and clean off because in every relationship,
there comes a point when the damage is too much and no matter how good it once was,
the memories cante sustain me.
i have to save myself knowing all the while it will hurt like hell
because i cante keep giving someone everything if i get nothing in return.

i guess it is okay to wish that i did something differently
but i should never blame myself for how things turned out,
and i should never tell myself that i cannot do better,
and i always need to remind myself that this is not the end of the road.
fate has a time and a place for me and nothing i can say or do will change that.
it is okay to fall, but it is never okay to stay down.

there is no shame in being afraid.
what i have to do is figure out what i am afraid of because when you i a face on it, i can finally beat it.
looking back on what i said all those years ago,
all the hopes and dreams i had,
i have come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way i wanted them to is a measure of a successful life,
then some would say i am a failure.

i want something real, something i can touch and hold onto.
a love that makes my heart skip,
and gives me that amazing feeling in the pit of my stomach, i want forever.
i am a princess, all girls are actually.
even if i donte live in tiny old attics and even if i dress in rags,
even if i am not pretty, smart, or young.
i am still a princess, i believe all of us are.
did your father ever told you that, mine sure did.

and even if i had barely any of me left, i would still give it all to you.
because you are the one that has been there all along.
a friend for what seems like forever,
someone who has never left my side even if it meant looking past the apathy and ignorance my heart would show.
to the one that has always been there, i love you with all my heart.

to be loved and to know that there is someone out there
who would give their all to only be with me,
someone more than willing to share their world with me.
someone who will take my hand and hold it,
and never ever would they let it go, never would you want to let go.
someone who holds me in their arms,
someone who tells me that he is holding his whole entire world
there at that very moment.
a person who will love me with their all.
to love and be loved, that is something i wish for.

the wonderful thing about falling in love
is that i learn everything about you so quickly.
and if it is true love,
then i will start to see yourself myself through your eyes
and it brings out the best in me.
it is almost like i am falling in love with myself.

there are obstacles on the way,
broken hearts and bitter friends, problems with clothes and bad hair days.
but everyday, i smile and move on,
because nothing in this world will stop me.

i may not end up where i thought i would be,
but i always end up where i am meant to be.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-08-28T20:24:00.004+08:00

i am still feeling the rain fall and bouncing off my skin.
how long do i have to wait for the sun to shine again,
come and paint me rainbows.
i can follow it but i donte know where it will take me.
wherever you are and where will you be,
are you the same or dreaming after waiting only for me.
waiting for love, waiting for the same or dreaming on the other side.
hoping nomatter how far, i will find my way to you, by following a rainbow.
i never thought i would find my way in to the light.

my dad has finally left united arab emirates,
his next stop in october would be in panama.
i donte really know what is going to happen right now,
but my dad has given me the freedom to make my own desicions.
he said that i am always going to be a little girl,
but whatever choices i make,
i have to be responsible of it and as a parent,
he will do whatever he can to support me.
he has guide me through all these years,
and now it is my time to make my own stand.
i am at crazy crossroads and i donte know what to do just yet.

i donte know what i want to do with my life,
i just know that i want to do it.
i want to see the world and
i want to meet every single breathing person on this earth.
i want to give everyone a hug or a handshake,
and i want to make someone’s life a little easier.
i want to be different than the people i know
because that is what makes me beautiful.
i want to be absolutely ridiculous before i die.
i donte want regrets and i definately want to stand for something.

khalied joined us for the goodbye dinner last night, and he was using his condora.
his mum made scrumptios arabic food for iftar
and we left to burjuman for dessert after that.
it was a long ride there but all of us were singing in the pajero car,
and yes, khalied feels like a part of the family now.
we got home at one and my dad wanted to drive khalied's car around.
my dad loved his lexus car but
my dad thinks it is a little too tad funky for him because of his age.
khalied suprised both my mum and dad with a police and guess watch.

the day before,
khalied suprised me at three in the morning.
we were talking on the phone and he asked if i wanted iftar.
i was still talking to him and there was a knock on the door.
i opened to see him smiling, with macdonalds in his hand.
i ended up laughing, and i must have looked so bad because i was about to go to bed.
i love him and no matter where i go,
as long as i have my parents blessings, this relationship will last a lifetime.

i have hid,
i have hermitted through the years,
out of fear, rather than being receptive to the life lessons
waiting to be grasped through opportunities
and by taking risks and by stepping out of my comfort zone.
i felt safe, of course, but empty and sad and lonely.
i sulked in depression, feeling helpless, wasting my time.
i need to start embracing each moment and not let my past behaviors make mistakes,
and failures prevents me from improving my situation and bettering myself.

everything that has happened is for a reason, accumulating to who i am.
i cannot change the past or things that have happened,
but i can choose my reactions to them.
i am alive, i am strong, and i am unique.
each moment is a fresh opportunity and right now is all i have.

i think i spend too much time wondering why i am not good enough,
i spend too much time overanalyzing, over thinking, and overreacting.
i waste too much time putting myself down,
so much that i donte ever stop to see that well,
i am definately good enough.
i spend too much time with my head down and my heart closed and
i never will get a chance to look up from the ground and see that the sun is shining and tomorrow is another beautiful.

the way i see life is that,
i only live once and for some people that life may not last very long,
i have seen the people in my life battling to live
and i realise that i need to do whatever that makes me happy even if that is eating junk food and getting fat,
who cares because i only live once, and i might as well make the best of it.

i do honestly believe that people eneter my life for a reason.
that everyone who i met, who forms an impression, has something to teach me.
everything that happens to me is an experience,
and because of that it can never be bad.
an experience can only be good because
it all serves to shape the person that i am, and the person that i have becomed.

i move with grace, and yet i stumble and trip.
i will hear a break of laughter as i smile, an outburst of noise.
the perfection is there for me to crawl
underneath the first layer of mistakes and insecurities,
and there, i will see the person worth listening to,
the one that most people try to find in themselves,
and the one that i never saw in myself.

to get up in the morning,
knowing that i will have to face another obstacle takes strength.
to smile when the only thing i can really do is cry takes bravery.
to act happy and laugh when i know that times are at their worst takes courage.
to be joyous when the only good news is the best of the bad news takes support,
and to be there and help others through the roughest times in life takes love.

i got everything i need right here with me.
i got air in my lungs,
i love waking up in the morning not knowing what is going happen or,
who i am going to meet, where i am going to wind up.
i figure that life is a gift and i donte intend on wasting it.
i donte know what hand i am going to get dealt next and i need to learn to take life as it comes at me to make each day count.

love taught me that i could have feelings that i never felt before.
losing taught me to hold on to something good if i find it
and living taught me to never regret anything because at that very moment,
it seemed right.
i have been so sheltered and naive growing up that
i feel like i have missed out on a lot of experiences.
i must be grateful for every experience i have.

i love you because i know that you are always there,
there to catch me when i fall.
there to listen when i need you, there when i feel alone.
i love you because you understand me and
you know how i feel even when i cante say it.
i love you because you make me believe, believe that i am not worthless.

you make me believe that i can be loved,
and i love you because you know,
i feel this way but i cante say it and still you wait.
you let me take my time to come to terms with the fact that i love you,
and i would give my life up to be with you.
and above all, to never hurt you or lie to you
and now i hope you understand how much you really meant to me.

it sets off a flash and our memories take a picture of you and i are at that point when we first know this is love.
and i will always clutch that picture to my heart.
and it just made me think a lot about how fragile life is,
and how it could end any time but i would be happy if i spent it with you,
it would be worth living if it was with you.
all my longings, all my dreams and sweet anguish,
all the secrets that slept deep within me came awake.
everything was transformed and enchanted, and now everything made sense.

i am wearing my heart on my sleeve,
in the hope that these notes and the words that i sing make you see,
you mean more than the world does to me.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-08-26T07:16:00.001+08:00

we are at crossroads, where do we go from here.
maybe you wonte get, maybe you will stay.
i know that i am going to miss you either ways,
it is such a lonely road.
all i can do is to follow my tears.
when i cry your name, am i crawling in my bed.
am i waiting only to drown in pain.
if only i could lift my head and face another day.

it was my baby girl's birthday last night, my dearest rahma.
we were supposed to meet at madinat jumeirah for iftar
but i ended up having macdonalds with my dearest family.
my dad send me there since he wanted to get paintings
and rahma finally arrived with israa.
she looked really hot and i havent seen isra in months,
the last time i met her was at fergie's concert.

we ate at shoo fee ma fee and the rest came.
i had to leave in a little while because my parents were waiting for me.
we went to abu dhabi for suhoor and
i have been sleeping at six every ramadan morning.
i realised that i have so much to do this whole month,
and i wished that time did not have too pass too fast.

i need to start walking and picking things up as i go.
nothing too heavy or nothing too light,
i need to weigh each item against your my and if it finally measures up, i shall take it with me along the way.
and if it makes me weary or it loses its significance,
i need to leave it behind for someone else to find.

sometimes i just have to realize that i cannot have it all
and some things are just out of your hands.
you need to move on and try to be happy,
even if it is the hardest thing i will ever have to do.

when hurt turns red and a piece of my heart is missing,
when the cold bites deep and i have got that feeling
like as though i just got out of surgery.
when the only way to stay sane is to concentrate on anything else
but how i feel deep down.
when i count the tiles in the ceiling and when i pushed the earphones closer.
when the first day of winter arrives and when you remember every nuanciation of every word of every time.
when all this happens, my heart lets go.

everytime it rains, it will finally stop raining and
everytime i get hurt, i will heal eventually.
after darkness, there is always the sun and i wil get reminded of this every morning
but still i choosed to believe that the night will last forever.
i now know that nothing lasts forever.
not the good or the bad,
so i might as well smile while i am here right now.

some thoughts will chase me from my childhood
to the end of the house and back again.
they will always sit there,
hanging in the cobwebs, waiting to be thought back to life.
they are hiding in the walls, the smell of a book.
and the way the light shines at a certain point in the day.
but there are other thoughts, new thoughts, that can take the place of old thoughts.

i guess a big part of growing up is dealing with regret,
finally swollowing my pride.
there are some things in life that i cante go back and change,
no matter how much i want to.
i think that day i was finally forced to grow up, to leave the past behind for one final time.
i close my eyes, inhale,
and a rush of heat and energy that takes my breath away.
it is the feeling of wanting something so much that it borders an actual need.
and the power and urgency of this need overwhelms me.

growing up is never easy.
i hold on to things that were and i wonder what is to come.
but that night, i think i knew it was time to let go of
what had been and look ahead to what would be.
other days like new days and the days to come.
the thing is, i donte have to hate myself for getting older.
i just had to forgive myself for growing up.

growing up is never straight forward, there are moments when everything is fine.
and other moments when i am a teenager,
i realise that there are certain memories that i will never get back.
certain people are going to change,
and the hardest part is realizing that
there is nothing that i can do except to watch them,
and realise that everything is going to change.

sometimes i feel everything and nothing at all, all at once.
sometimes i will find myself smiling while missing you at the same time.
life comes without guarantees,
except that smiling will brighten up my life.
laughing will enhance your eyes and falling in love will change my life.

there are moments when it is too quite,
particularly late at night or early in the mornings.
that is when i know there is something lacking in my life, i just know.
i am not going to magically wake up one morning,
and decide that i am going to be happy again.
someone makes me that way and i finally found that someone that makes me happy.

i am trying real hard not to shake and i am biting my tongue.
but i am feeling alive and with every breath that i take and
i feel like that i have won.
you are my key to survival but it is no use going back to yesterday,
because i was a different person then.
heaven knows that getting scars only makes me who i am.
and no matter how much my heart is aching,
there is beauty in the breaking.

i knew there were no guarantees.
some things donte last forever, but some things do.
like a good song, or a book,
or a good memory i cante take out and unfold in my darkest times.
i need to start pressing down the corners and peering in close
and hoping that i will still recognize the person the person i see there everyday.

the stars and the planets will guide me
but it is my heart that will show me the way when i get there.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-08-22T20:52:00.003+08:00

she was lost in so many different ways,
out in the darkness with no guide.
i found heaven on earth,
you were my last and my first.
i have been alone, how could the silence be so loud.
but i still go home knowing that i got you,
there is only us when the light goes down.

ramadan kareem. ♥

it is the first day of fasting and i ended up sleeping at six in the morning.
this is the holy month and i hope that god bless me
with a whole lot of faith and courage to go through everyday.
my dad is finally on his two months break,
i always love having him around because he works too much.
my whole family means everything to me,
and i really would not know what to do without him.

i know that i have been making plans if moving out of the house,
but i donte know if i am mentally ready to stay alone
and where my parents are a thousand miles away.
this is it, you know, this is where the freedom kicks in
but there is just so much more than having fun,
i have bigger responsibilities to handle.

things can be so confusing sometimes,
i always wonder how long it takes to change my life,
what measure of time is enough to be life altering.
can my life change in a month, or a week, or a single day.
i am always in a hurry to grow up, to go places, to get ahead.
and when i was young, one hour could change everything.

no matter what,
there will a point in my life that someone will hurt me,
that someone will take all that i am,
and rip it into pieces and they wonte even watch where the pieces land.
but through the breakdown, i will learn something about yourself.
i will learn that i am strong despite anything
and no matter how hard they try to destroy me, only i can conquer myself.

sometimes, i just have to see it for myself.
i have to make my own mistakes and i have to learn my own lessons.
i have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug
until i cante do it anymore.
until i finally understand for myself that knowing is better than wondering,
that waking is better than sleeping,
and even the biggest failure, even the worst outcome,
beats the hell out of never trying.

life is kind of hard sometimes,
especially when every move i make feels like a test of strength to survive.
here is to another day without breaking down,
i know that i will be alright and
god will guide me through life trails and tribulations.

it does not make me noble to step away from something that is not working,
even if i thought i was the reason for the malfunction, especially then.
it will just made me a quitter.
because if i was the problem, chances are that i could be the solution.
the only way to find out is to take another shot on life.

sometimes i wonder if anything is absolute anymore.
is there still right and wrong or is everything negotiable,
left to interpretation, like the colour grey.
sometimes i am forced to bend the truth,
transform it, cause i am faced with things that are not of my own making
and sometimes things simply catch up to me.

i need to make a wish and place it in my heart.
anything i want and everything i want.
i never know where the next miracle is going to come from,
the next smile, and the next wish coming true.
but if i start believing that it is right around the corner,
and i open my heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it,
i just might get the thing i have been wishing for.
the world is full of magic and i just have to believe it.

i should not cry for what might have been,
i need to stop living in the past,
it was supposed to last forever but forever never lasts.
i need to lift my head and dry my tears,
and i should finally forget about the yesterdays.
i have had the time of my life, but now i must move on let the past fade away.

i donte know why, i have always been big on happy endings.
to me, the most romantic,
beautiful love stories ever were the ones are where two people meet,
fall in love, and then fifty, sixty years later one of them dies and
then a few days after that the other one dies because they just cante bear to live without each other.
i want an ending like that one day.
when i see you the world stops,
it stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you.
there is nothing else.

no noise, no other people,
no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, and no tomorrow.
the world just stops, and it is a beautiful place, and there is only you.
just you, and my eyes peering at you.

the one thing that i hate the most is saying goodbye,
it has never been easy for me.
goodbyes are all different because some are for a day, some are for a month.
but others are forever and the concept of forever is hard to accept.
it does not feel complete but i think that is what goodbyes are.
they are incomplete and i honestly donte know how long the goodbye will last.
it is a part of life, my life.
i know that the bridges that i have burneed along the way have left me
with these walls and these scars that wonte go away and opening up has always been the hardest thing to do,
until you came.

i am not the best and i admit that,
i make mistakes but i learn from them.
my past has given me struggles beyond what anyone knows.
i keep a lot of things bottled up inside of me because i donte want to get hurt,
i wonte let myself get hurt.
but there is one thing that i am certain of, that i cannot stop myself from falling in love.

i donte know what it is about you,
maybe it is the way nothing else matters when i and you are talking,
or how you mak eme smile more than anyone else has.
it could be the way that you say the exact right thing and exactly the right time
but whatever it is, i just want you to know that it means everything to me
it is like going too high on the playground swings
and taking polaroids to show where it all began.
laying down, finally out of breath, with pink cheeks.
it is love and i donte want anything else.
it just feels right for once in my life.

love is not supposed to be easy, it is supposed to be worth it.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-08-19T15:37:00.004+08:00

that face of an angel comes out when it needs too.
as i paced back and forth, i honestly believed in you.
holding on, but i should have known.
i am not a princess, and this is not a fairytale.
i am not the one you will sweep her off her feet or lead her up the stairwell.
i was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
now it is too late for you and your white horse to come around.

thank you my dearest jahaneh for the beautiful shirt, i love dxb baby.

these past few days have been really tiring, but that is what summer is all about.
having crazy fun and sleeping when the dawn breaks.
i had an amazing dinner with my whole family last night.
after a very long time, we all had buffet thanks to khalied,
he knew this really awesome restaurant.
i was so bloated after that, i think all of us were
and i am beggining to realise that i am taking more patatoes than i ever used too.

i got home at three in the morning,
khalied and i went for a movie after our dinner.
i wanted to watch drag me to hell and i was telling him how brave i am.
he was not sure about that, so we watched the alphabet killer instead.
i started screaming at the beggining of the movie itself,
i cannot deal with thriller.
it was just a brave front and the end of the movie,
khalied started laughing because i was scared out of my skin.

life has been such a challenge lately,
i know that i should take challenges with embracing them
and tell myself that i am so much stronger because i know that god has plans for me.
i feel so ailing when tears welled up my eyes.
i donte know about my future plans but i am certain of chasing my dream.
i will get through it with patience and faith.

there is no truth in the past, only a memory of the past.
i need to blink my eyes,
and the world i will see next did not exist when i closed them.
therefore the only appropriate state of the mind is surprise, the only appropriate state of the heart is joy.
the sky that i see now, i have never seen before.
the perfect moment is now and i should be glad of it.
i know that the bridges that i have burned along the way have left me with these walls, and these scars that wonte go away
and opening up has always been the hardest thing, until you came.

i donte want to waste one day of this summer,
because in all honesty,
i am growing up too quickly and my childhood memories are slipping away from me along with all the carefree memories.
so this year,
i will fill everyday with memorable events with the best people i can ever imagine,
because i want a summer to remember.
the number of summer holidays i have left is decreasing rapidly,
and i want to remember every single one.

here is to the notes lost in the washer, to the memories that are washed away.
here is to being young and never wanting to grow up.
here is to change, both good and bad and here is to feeling infinite.
here is to remembering old friends and
here is to holding my breath in that one perfect moment.
here is to the ones who were on top of the world but fell off and here is to every tear i have wasted on people who never cared.
here is to the nights spent living for the moment.
here is to speaking the most honest words that i have ever spoken in my life.

here is to those who fall in love in their dreams
and i am just a girl with big dreams
here is to not knowing, and this is to not wanting to know.
here is to those who wonder where love starts.
here is to serendipity even if it does not last and here is to the songs that make me feel like nothing hurts.
here is to everyone who has ever cried themselves to sleep.
here is to those nights where i just cante sleep.
here is to every word that people ever said to me replaying, over and over.
here is to the nights when feelings change, for better or worse
and here is to life, as hard as it may be,
and picking myself up when i have fallen down.

those awful things are survivable,
because i am as indestructible as i believe myself to be.
teenagers think they are invincible and i need to be hopeless,
because i can never be irreparably broken.
i think that i am invincible because i am.
and like all energy, i can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations.
i get scared of losing and failing but that part of me is greater than some of the parts that cannot begin and cannot end,
and so it cannot fail.

i will be the first to admit that i am not perfect.
my life is a wreck, and the only thing holding me
up is the hope that it will get better.
i have got some friends who would die for me, and i have some friends that would kill me, given the chance.
i have the mental stability of a psychiatric patient,
and the constant drama that surrounds me does not help.
i have lost all of the people that i depended on, whether it be death or betrayal.
despite everything that has happened to me,
the reason i keep hanging on is the hope that it will all get better.

i am always a mess and i can never keep my own secrets.
i laugh too hard at stupid things and my favorite songs can make me cry.
i live in the past, in the memories i have with the people i love.
i hate thinking about reality and i am so homesick
that it is not even funny but not homesick in a missing my house kind of way.
maybe it is more like heartsick for all the things that i cante get back.
it is hard for me to define myself.
i guess i am just a cliche,
i donte want to be the heroine in some tragic love story,
i just want the one person who has never given me a second thought.

fairytales never really get old for me, the story just becomes modernized.
hold my hand and have a real conversation with me.
tell me something that you trust only a select few with,
look me in the eyes and smile.
give me a chance and let yourself fall, and thank you for doing that.

this is life and i have to keep on doing things.
i wished of some thing that i did not do,
and some i wish that i could replay a million times,
but they make me who i am, in the end, they shape and detailed me.
if i were to reserve them, i would not be the person who i am today.
i just need to live.
i need to make mistakes and have wonderful memories.
and i should never second guess who i am,
where i have been and, most importantly, and where i am going.

i would not say that i am a quitter, even though i know when it is time to move on.
i wonte say that i never take things for granted,
even though i know when i got something special.
i would not say that i was naive even though i have believed in a forever,
that ended too soon.
i would not say that i am cynical
even though people will probably never have my trust.
i would not say that i always hold on too long even though sometimes i need help of letting go.
i would not say that i am a fool even though i have been fooled.
i would not say that i am different than everybody,
even though i am certainly not the same.

i used to wonder,
if love even existed because how do i really ever know that it is love.
and, everyone has been fooled into thinking it was.
everyone has, at some point, believed they were in love
when it was something below love.
i never could define something that supposedly everyone felt,
now does that sound sketchy.
i had a million of valid points and i would stand for it.
but then you come and shatter it all and showed me what they knew all along.
love is real, it is and as much as i want to deny it, i cante anymore.

there are mistakes that i have made, chances that i have just thrown away.
i have been down some roads i never should have taken,
and missed some signs i did not see.
hearts that i have hurt needlessly,
some wounds i wish i could have one more chance to mend.
but it does not make any difference.
the past cante be rewritten and i only get the life that i am given,
but there are lessons learned.

i have been waiting for this moment forever.
now that it has arrived, i feel so damn alive and i hope this lasts forever.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-08-17T00:51:00.004+08:00

i have been bruised and i have been broken.
i cante believe that i put up with all this pain.
i have been used and i was choking on the promise.
i would never fall again,
i used to sing to your twisted symphony.
the words that had me trapped inside your misery.
but now i know, the reason why i could not breathe.
because all i want is everything that you are not.

my weekend was great,
i finally met the girls and tawhid after a really long time.
i miss my dearest best friend tawhid.
i donte know if you guys know this, but he is half kenyan and half senegal and he has always been there since the first day i was here.
he was showing me all around dubai and filling me in on the four-one-one,
i really wonte know what i would do without him.

that night itself,
khalied came over for dinner and i am glad that he is feeling so much more comfartable than before.
my mum kept feeding him with three servings
and he used to be really shy when he has dinner with my whole family but not anymore.
i met jay that night too, and we all went for a little shesha but i did not had any.
i realise that i am not a shesha person but i have to love the company.

i believe the most difficult situation i can ever be faced with is deciding whether i should just move on or hold on a little tighter.
move on, and maybe i will lose a chance at the best thing that could have ever happened
or should i hold on,
and have the possibility of one day being the biggest disaster that i have ever created.

i am going to stop looking back and start moving on.
i need to learn how to face my fears and love with all my heart, make my mark.
i want to leave something here and just go out on a ledge, without any net.
that is what i am going to be about.
i am going to be running when the sand runs out because i do it everyday,
and i promised myself that i am going to change.
i have been there, but i am changing from inside out and that was then and this is now.

the biggest challenge in life that i will find is almost impossible to defeat,
is the fact that i gave up on something that i could have had.
i quit before something could take place and i say that i am going to change,
but i am really still the same.
and no matter how much the truth may scare me,
in one point in my life, i am going to have to overcome my fears.

sometimes,
i am so focused on finding my happy ending, that i donte learn how to read the signs.
i donte know how to tell from the ones who wants me and the ones who donte,
the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave.
and maybe a happy ending does not include a guy,
and maybe it is me,
on my own, picking up the pieces and starting over,
freeing myself up for something better in the future.
maybe the happy ending is just moving on.
or maybe the happy ending is this,
knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken hearts,
through the blunders and misread signals,
through all the pain and embarrassment i never gave up hope.

the main thing i have learned is that if i am not willing to put up with a little pain, i will not go far.
with every journey,
i will get scratches and bruises,
but if i really love it, those scratches will be worth it and i would not really notice them
because i can take the pain with the joy.

i guess what scares me the most is knowing that at any moment,
you could rip my heart out of my chest,
tear it in pieces, throw it on the ground,
then stomp all over it and i would just pick it up, and hand it back to you.

i donte mean to run, but every time you come around,
i feel more alive than ever, and i guess it is too much.
maybe we are too young, and i donte even know what is real.
but i know i have never wanted anything so bad
and i have never wanted anyone so bad.

i have got the whole rest of my life to be old and boring.
so while i am young, i should make the best of it.
i should spend money when i donte have to,
go over my cellphone minutes, go on a road trip,
scream at the top of my lungs, use that fake identification card for something good,
and make some of the best memories that i wonte remember with the people that i will never forget.

eventually, everything will come together.
until then, i should live it up.
i need to do what makes me happy.
i need to pick myself up and deal when things happens.
i need to constantly remember that my mistakes only make me stronger,
everything happens for a reason,
the only regrets in life are the risks i never take.
above everything else, i should always go with my gut feeling, but i need to guard heart.

i fit in.
maybe not here,
but somewhere on this earth where there is a whole bunch of people just like me.
i donte know what i am waiting for,
i need to find them, because when i find people that i fit in with,
chances are, there is someone who is meant to be with me
and everybody needs to find who they are meant to be with.

i know that everything can change and what i need is to open up again
and i will never again look back in vain.
because today is not the past, and i donte need to relive it.
i believe that two people are connected at the heart and it does not matter what i do, or who i am or where i live.
there are no boundaries or barriers if two people are destined to be together.

it has been many night that as i go to sleep,
no tears have poured out from my eyes because i am finally happy.
i am happy with you because you never gave up.
and i will never let you walk away.
it is just another promise that i am making and it is going to take forever to fulfill.

i donte get to choose who i want fall in love with and i will get this person who is all wrong and all right at the same time.
and i know that i love them so much except sometimes they just drive me completely insane and nobody can explain it.
and the reason that it is so confusing is because it is love.
but if love did not have any challenges what would be the point.

there is a difference in what i long for, what i settle for, and who i am meant for.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-08-15T06:06:00.005+08:00

i am right here waiting with open arms,
i know you might feel shattered but love should never bring you home.
this is the moment where you define who you are.
i can fix what is broken and here is how i start.
just come with your heart, i promise that i will be the cure.
i can be your shelter when the wind starts blowing,
i know that i am strong enough to carry us through.

i cante believe how fast time flies, the weekend is finally here again.
i actually spent half of the day reading and i was watching mamma mia on teevee.
i have to give two thumbs up, the movie was just simply amazing.
i slept pretty early last night and i still woked up really late,
i guess i have not been getting enough sleep and i always end up going to bed in the wee hours of the morning.

i had a really good day with my family today,
i finally got something pretty for fatema since it is her birthday today.
i did not get anything for myself since i need to start saving all my money
and i was greeted with amelea's voice in the afternoon today.
i miss my girls so much and it makes me feel special that i am still not forgotten.

i just wish i could roll back the clocks to when things were the same,
where my friends are i all just a bunch of crazy teenagers looking for a wild time.
but now, thing are not the same.
each of us have gone our different ways.
we change, people change, things just change and i have changed, and we are not those crazy teenagers looking for a wild time anymore.
my friends and i are just teenagers looking for a person to love and a person to hug when we are in need.

i would like to take a moment to list all the things i am thankful for.
i am thankful that no matter how dark things might get, old friendships can still be rekindled.
i am thankful for new relationships that helps me realize how far i have come from who i am and how close we got when we can really be ourselves.
i am thankful that no matter what people say, i still can go home again, whether it is my home or not.

in spite of the people who will fight around me,
the family members who will argue, the ones who will tell me what is a waste of time and money,
on my own or with someone else, i will go out there and i will find a moment.
one serene,
beautiful moment when the world and everything in it makes sense and that is rare.
and it does not get handed to me on a platter which is why i have got an entire day to look for it.

sometimes i just fall,
spinning through space, grasping for the things that keeps me on this earth and sometimes i catch them.
they can actually be the hands of the people i love and cherish most dearly.
it can be things i have collected and invested with a certain sense of meaning,
like flowered, buckled treasure chest of secrets.
or shoes that makes me taller and, therefore, closer to the heavens.
a dress that makes me feel a little like the goddess herself.
sometimes i keep falling and i donte catch anything.
sometimes i will fall, spinning through space, grasping for the things that will keep me here.
sometimes i catch them and sometime i donte and sometimes, they catch me.

i thought dreams are not real just because they are not made of matter of particles but dreams are real.
they are made of viewpoints, of images,
of memories and puns and lost hopes.

to let go is not to forget,
not to think about, or ignore.
it does not leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret.
letting go is not about winning or losing.
it is not about pride and it is not about how i appear to be, and it is not obsessing or dwelling on the past.
letting go is not blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and does not leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness.
it is not about giving in or giving up.

letting go is not about losses and it is not about defeat.
to let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on from it.
it is having an open mind confidence in the future, letting go is learning and experiencing and growing.
to let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made me laugh, cry, and made me grow.
it is about all that i have, all that i had, and all that i will soon gain.
letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving.
letting go is growing up, it is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy.
to let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set myself free for the first time.

at the end of the day, faith is a funny thing.
it turns up when i donte really expect it.
it is like one day, i realised that the fairy tale may be slightly different than i have dreamt.
the castle, well, it may not be a castle and it is not so important that it is happy ever after, just that it is happy right now.
once in a while, once in a blue moon, things will suprise me,
and once in a while people may even take my breath away.

there is so much about my fate that i cannot control,
but there are other things that do fall under thejurisdiction.
i can choose how i am going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life whether i will see them as curses or opportunities.
i can choose my words and the tone of voice in which i speak to others.
and most of all, i can choose my thoughts.

i can sit here with you forever.
i donte have to touch you, and i donte have to hear your voice.
i donte even have to look at you as long as i know that you are here beside me.
if i can smell your scent that i have grown to adore more than that of roses, and hear you breath,
to feel your warmth penetrating the air around me, i will be fine.
i know that i will be fine.

i learned what is obvious to a child,
that life is a simple collection of little lives, each lived one day at a time.
that each day should be spent finding beauty in flowers and poetry and talking to animals.
that a day spent with dreaming and sunsets and refreshing breezes cannot be bettered.
but most of all, i learned that life is about sitting on benches next to ancient creeks with my hand on my knees
and sometimes, on good days, it means falling in love.

it is so funny how i set qualifications for the right person to love,
while at the back of my mind,
i know that the person i truly love will always be an exception.

if i am going to be lucky in life,
i will meet someone who i will never forget,
someone so special that time itself is the only thing i am worried about running out of.
being able to be with this person is my only concern,
and nothing else seems to matter.
and most of all, i never want to think about losing them and right now, this is what i live for.

i have been thinking a lot lately about taking chances and how it is really just about overcoming my fears.
because the truth is,
every time i take a big risk in your life,
no matter how it ends up, i will always be glad that i took it.

i have always said that i would make mistakes, i am only human and that is my saving grace.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥

2009-08-12T18:10:00.004+08:00

friday night beneath the stars, in a field behind your yard,
you and i are painting pictures in the sky.
and sometimes we donte say a thing, just listen to the crickets sing.
everything i need is right here by my side.
and i know everything about you, i donte want to live without you.
i am only up when you are not down.
i donte want to fly if you are still on the ground.
you drive me crazy half the time, the other half i am only trying to let you know that what i feel is true.
and i am only me when i am with you.

i am so exhausted from last night, but it was probably one of the best time i had in dubai.
i finally got my identification card done and i met the girls that i havent seen for months,
ever since college closed for summer vacations.
it was andrea's birthday last night, and she invited all of us to go to keva.
i needed to see her because she is leaving for switzerland tomorrow.
keva is one of the most nicest club in dubai, and the music there was good.

i told my parents the truth and all they needed was khalied to be there.
it was couple's night at keva so we all got in without paying.
khalied's brother was also there and his friends and i have my girls so the night was really rocking.
i started dancing to billie jean, we still need to have a little michael once in a while.
i did not had any liquer or cigars, all i wanted to do was dance.

i danced with khalied the whole night, and rahma was going crazy.
too bad i had to leave because khalied has work the next day.
he sent me home and my clothes stink of ciggarettes.
i had a good night but i donte think this is the life for me.
i love dancing all night long, but i prefer doing simpler things.
ever since i have got the freedom to do the things i want from my parents, my life is such an irony.
it really feels good telling everything to the people i love the most and the fact that i donte have to lie about it.

when i was young, i thought that my whole life is about the pursuit of fun.
then, i grew up and learn to be cautious.
i could break a bone or a heart and i always look before i leap and
sometimes i donte leap at all because there is not always someone there to catch me.
and in life, there is no safety net.
when did it actually stop being fun and start being scary.

yet,
no matter how accurately i write it or mumble it under my breath,
it wonte change the way things stand between me.
a poem, let alone a paragraph, is not a magic spell.
and the only people who can write those stay in padded rooms, listening to music no one has ever played.
similar to tricycles, summer, winter, autumn, spring, bruised knees,
and my first kiss and when i found out there was no santa claus,
life is really just a series of things that happen and sometimes just to me.

so,
i look for patterns because that is what humans do to try and make sense of things, in hope of some divine order.
and i look in to movies and songs and the things that i read for symbols, points and swirls that matches my own.
but the only real pattern there is, is the one i made when i hold up a mirror and reflect.
and i clutched that picture to my heart because i expect myself to always be the person in that picture.
but i have changed and people are not pictures
and i can either take a new picture or throw the old one away.

the funny thing is,
nobody really ever knows how much anybody else is hurting.
for all i know, i could be standing next to someone who is completely broken, and i would neven even know.
i know it may sound cheesy and i know it may sound cliche, but you are the first person that has taught me to miss someone.
you have taught me to miss a person from the heart, and not the mind.
you are one of the few people who has taught me a lot within the shortest amount of time
and i cante deny the fact that i love you.

this is the epitome of everything i see in the movies.
and this world is a time bomb ticking, and i think i can stop it if you help me.
i am unraveling, unbearably empty and if this ground gives way,
i just hope that you will catch me when i fall.

when i am with you, i just never now what is going to happen next.
it is weird because my life is so planned out and it is like you donte care what people think
and when i am with you, i donte care what people think and everytime i need you, you were there.
no matter where or when, it did not matter.
you know just how to make it better and make my sky a little brighter.
you know just what to say to make me smile and i hope that someday, i can be at least half of what you have been to me.

if there is just one piece of advice i can give to myself,
when there is something i really want, i should fight for it,
and to never give up no matter how hopeless it seems.
and when i have lost all hope, i am going to tell myself that ten years from now, i am going to wish that i gave it one more shot
because the best things in life, do not come for free.

sometimes,
people come into my life and i just know right away that they were meant to be there.
they are sent to serve some sort of purpose and to teach me a lesson, or to help me figure out who i am or who i want to become.
i never know who these people may be.
it could be a roommate, a neighbour, a professor, a friend, a lover, or even a complete stranger.
but when i lock my eyes with them, i know that at that very moment they will affect my life in some way.
i have noticed that if i look carefully at someone's eyes, during the first five seconds that they start to look at me,
the truth of their feelings will shine through for an instant before it starts to flicker away.

so far,
i have learned that everyday of my life must be lived to the fullest.
life is about smiling, laughing and also crying.
life is about making the most of what i have and what i am given.
it is about keeping relationships and losing them at the same time.
life is about falling in love and losing someone that i love dearly.
life was given to me as a challenge and its not easy, but i still have to try and meet the challenges.
i need to make the most of it while i can because i donte actually know when it will be my turn to lay down to rest.
i only have one shot at life, and i need to make sure that i embrace it with both hands
and squeeze every little drop out of it as i can.

for what it is worth,
it is never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever i want to be.
there is no time limit, and i can start whenever i want.
i can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing.
i can make the best or the worst of it but i hope i make the best of it and i hope i see things that startle me.
i hope i am able to feel things that i never felt before and i hope i meet people who have a different point of view.
even when life does not goes as planned, i hope i will have the courage to start all over again.

the best feeling in the world is when there are butterflies in my stomach,
and i know that something absolutely incredible is about to happen.

xoxo,
tasha keira. ♥